Sometimes, when the memories become unbearable, how badly I wish to just close my eyes and forget..

Mind = blown.
Watch until the end, and try it.. totally worth the experience.

Occasionally, in very rare moments of hope and optimism, I like to think that we're all working toward the same path, trying to learn to overcome hate and greed.. and during especially rare moments, I even consider the possibility that eventually we'll even figure it all out.
...then reality sets in again. But, for a short time, I relish the warm, uplifting thoughts. Sometimes they're all that keep me going.

Thank you for being there to breathe a little bit of life and beauty back into my dark world just by being who you are.

I've got a brilliant idea. Let's make Arizona one of the two states to ignore daylight savings time. Yeah! We're cool cowboys! ...well, except when the sun rises at 5:26 a.m., with the rays of the angry inferno of death hitting my eyes and heating up my room to 80 degrees by 6 a.m. Le sigh.
Since I seem unable to sleep more than 4 hours a night without turning the a.c. down to 70 degrees, my summer will surely be filled with caffeinated adrenaline-induced treadmill-enhanced working sessions. Oh joy.

Noble is he who loses everything yet still maintains his dignity and respect.

What are you more angry about, the fact that it was so easy to remove you from my life, or the fact that I barely notice you're gone?

I wished to push my own limits. Harder than ever before. When people ask me why I chose this path, I answer, "because it sounded like a challenge." Now, I stare the ugly reality of my decision in the face. The gut-wrenching feeling of doubt envelops me. The terror of the possibility of failure chokes my breath and cuts down my confidence. It lurks in the back of my mind, pervading every thought, lining the shadows of every smile. I hate the feeling for sucking the joy out of my life; I have not truly enjoyed anything in a while. I can never relax or feel at ease. And yet..... at the same time, I welcome the terror, drawing it closer to me, feeling the warm blood run from fresh wounds as it sinks its teeth into my mind and soul. I watch it rip shreds in my ego and my self-esteem, and I draw the feeling closer still. I see the fibers of my being fray and tear as the terror works its way into the deepest reaches of my subconscious, and still I draw it in, relishing the feeling of my own self-destruction.... standing in awe of what lay ahead for me. For within destruction lies creation, building myself anew from the pieces left behind.. far more beautiful and infinitely stronger than that which came before. Who am I? What am I made of? Am I weak? Am I strong? Will I be tossed aside by the torrential winds, or will I weather this storm? My limits are not just being pushed.. they are about to dissolve in a brilliant cascade of flames.
Eyes and mind open.. To whatever end may come.

To capture and tame something wild.. Oh, how men have sought to lay claim to that which roams free. For therein lay no greater challenge, no conquest more delicious and sweet, than finding something beautiful, and locking her in a cage. If the hunter has a tigress within his grasp, and while forcing her into his cage, she rears her fangs and wounds him deeply, who is to blame? The tigress, or the hunter longing to possess her?
You find me so precious because I am untamed, because I roam free. If you subject me to a cage, blame me not for the wounds you shall bear..

When I ended this blog, I did not intend to continue posting. Unfortunately, I needed an outlet which I was otherwise unable to find. The quality of my posts never rebounded from almost year ago.. While a broken heart usually inspires and channels creativity, a tired soul does not. Nor is the recovery easy. It's been nearly a year and I still feel the anger. The hopelessness. The general inability to take care of others, to give love where needed, to receive it openly. I'm broken, truly. I reached out to savor experience, aware of but ignoring the warnings my instinct felt, yearning desperately to feel loved and needed. The cost was more than I could bear. Now, all that is left is the empty shell of my former self.
Avoid those who seek self-fulfillment through their interactions with others. I was one of them. Only now do I see the danger of relying to heavily on others to determine self-worth. Even worse, I've seen the effects of people who make it their goal to achieve some kind of self-actualization from other people.. More often than not, those people are the liars, the players, the manipulators, the self-inflated megalomaniacs of the world. The good people are the ones who enjoy the company of others but do not make it their goal to actively seek it. The good people are the ones who have something to show for their lives and accomplishments. As for me, all I have left now is the slow process of rebuilding and setting my priorities straight. My love is true; don't take that for granted..

Determine how much you're worth, and never, ever settle for less.

If you think that you're not worth much, ask yourself why, and work on making yourself worth something.

If you think that you're worth a lot, then spend every day SHOWING it by treating others, and yourself, with respect.

My posts over the next few months will probably not be very bright or optimistic. I apologize for the departure from what is usually my outlet for expression and positive energy... Instead, I fear that doubt and frustration will consume the majority of what I'm feeling. Fortunately I'll only need to suffer for another 3 months. After that, my path will be clear, one way or another. Until then, my usually bright, sunny exterior will be lined with shadows..