I dreamed of you last night. You were afraid, and I held you safe in my arms.

You must be about 12 now, on the cusp of womanhood, about to embark on a journey to discover yourself. Older and wiser perhaps. I imagine you to have thoughts and ideas of your own, perhaps a wild streak, perhaps a love and zest for life just hinted at when you were younger, now blossoming as you age.

But I can only imagine. In my dreams, in the last fragments of your existence that I possess, you'll always be a child.. frozen in time in the pages of my memory.

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged
So how would i know

Ahh, the wonders of the internet. I found another song that I've been looking for forever, but before I share, I'd like to tell a story.

As I post these songs from the last week and a half, I am also, in a way, taking you on a journey through my younger days of yesteryear. I fell in love with trance/techno when I was 16-17, and around the same time my love for RPGs (role-playing games) began to fully develop. Not just for the incredible storylines, but also for the soundtracks, the BGM (background music) that accompanied the stories, wrought into my memory, until the stories and the music were one in the same.

Around this time, I saw a trailer for an RPG that I knew nothing about, and I fell in love. I ended up buying the game because of this trailer:



The game was Chrono Cross, and while the story wasn't the easiest to follow, it was epic and delicious in every way that I've come to adore about true RPGs. And the BGM.. ahhhh. Incredible. Some of the best ever. In those days of Napster, I searched on all my favorite songs from the game.. and while searching, I found this beautiful remix. Crossing the line from BGM into a soothing techno.... enjoy.

AMG. I have been looking for this song for YEARS. Do you know how hard it is to find a song with no lyrics? Rave Techno at its best.
My favorite part is from 1:30 on. The only way to play trance is loud. Do yourself a favor and turn it up, close your eyes, and enjoy..

Ahh, the memories. These songs will always be.... taking Pacific Coast Highway with the windows down at 80 mph, sunshine on my face, a cool breeze blowing through my hair, driving by the crashing ocean waves.

Classic, amazing trance. I've been on a trance kick this week for some reason- nothing else makes my heart soar quite the same way.

RHETT

You need kissing badly.

That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed,

and often, and by someone who knows how.

------------------------------------------

RHETT

Let's get out of here together. No use staying here,

letting the South come down around your ears. There

are too many nice places to go and visit. Mexico,

London, Paris...

SCARLETT

With you?

RHETT

Yes Ma'am. I'm the man who understands you and

admires you for just what you are. I figure we belong

together, being the same sort.

------------------------------------------

SCARLETT
Rhett, how could you do this to me, and why should
you go now that, after it's all over and I need you,
why? Why?

RHETT
Why? Maybe it's because I've always had a weakness
for lost causes, once they're really lost.

If you're out there, hear my prayer.. I need you now more than ever.

The whole world says that you're no good for me. That I can do better. That I deserve better.
Even in my dreams I question myself and tell myself the same.
Maybe I'm not the easiest person to care for. I push away, and I push hard. But I'd like to think I'm worth it. That someone will care enough to push back.

Because I can't do it alone.
Let this be my plea...

Open your eyes, don't make me wait
You've got to let the sun shine through the rain.

Here's to new beginnings; to the long, slow, but rewarding process of rebuilding and growing. Here's to mending fences and broken hearts.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

I don't know if it's funny or pathetic. I haven't wanted something this much in a long time.

What little sleep I did get last night was plagued by nothing but dreams about..

It means more to me than just the kill, just the title. I guess in a way it's the culmination of everything I've done for the last 10 months. A chance to validate myself and how hard I've worked for everyone. Maybe part of me feels like if I do this, it'll mean that I was successful at reuniting people under the banner of cooperation and friendship, and even though my skills as a leader were called into question at the end, that this will prove they were all wrong. It'll mean that I served them well, one last time. That their trust in me was not misplaced.

That's a lot of pressure. No wonder I barely slept!

"How can I go on

If you don't come along to send me off

How can I move on

when I am half as strong without your strength

You're not in my world to ease my worries

And you can't be the one I turn to

You're gonna watch over me, I feel you

'cause your memory lives on inside me."

                                -Unique

Ahh, for one night of sleep, just one, to rest my head as my thoughts and cares drift into a peaceful oblivion. But, alas..

For a moment, just a moment, you found it; so brief a time, perhaps like something you saw out of the corner of your eye, a glimpse in passing, that you wonder if it even happened at all. What was to you something rare, unique, was to her another page in the story, as interesting and noteworthy as the many chapters before it. You struggle to make sense of it all.

The sway and dance of light and shadow playing on the wall cast an image at once tantalizingly real yet ever-changing, elusive, defying logic. You reached out and tried to grasp it in your hand.. but your hand closed on nothing. Far beyond the edge of your comprehension, farther still beyond the nebulous expanse of your imagination, lies the true source. The gap of understanding between the soft images and filtered warmth you have come to care for, and the reality of their origin, is more vast than you realize.. and bridging that gap would have chipped away at the foundations of the world you have built for yourself, your sense of reality that you so tightly and desperately cling to.

How fortunate that you only caught a glimpse.. had your hand closed upon the source itself, it would have left you burned.

Once there was a tree...and she loved a little boy.
And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree ... very much.
And the tree was happy.

But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money. I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy."
And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time ...and the tree was sad.
And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?"
“I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy."
And so the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered, "come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play," said the boy.
"I want a boat that will take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk and make a boat." said the tree. "Then you can sail away ... and be happy."
And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy ... but not really.

And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you, my apples are gone."

"My teeth are too weak for apples", said the boy.
"My branches are gone", said the tree. "You cannot swing on them -"
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb -"
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree. I wish that I could give you something...but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump. I am sorry...."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy,
"Just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could,
"Well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

I'm so busy all the time now, and naturally a little more stressed because of it, so I've been dabbling in new things..

The first symptom of my insanely busy life is my inability to fall asleep.  I've never had an issue until now- partly because I'm still not used to sleeping alone, and partly because my mind just processes everything I did for the day and tries to solve anything left unfinished.  I actually get a lot done while lying in bed, which is great for research and tough engineering problems, but terrible for my sleeping habits.  I have tried several things to help cope.

Homedics Sound Spa

This idea actually started out as a way to drown out the loud meows and general nighttime havoc-wreaking that my cat used to cause.  It worked beautifully, too.  I got hooked on the "rain" sound and use it to sleep every night now.  It drowns out random noises that would have woken me up otherwise (since I'm a super light sleeper).

Gamma Meditation System

I stumbled on this yesterday after seeing an ad for the Delta Sleep system by the same guy.  It promised longer, more vivid dreams- cool.  But after seeing some of the negative reviews, I clicked around and found this one- the Gamma system had all really positive reviews.  I was mostly interested in hearing the sound samples- supposedly, the "music" (I use the term loosely, since some of the tracks, this one in particular, are more odd noises and ambiance than music) is set up so that you hear layers of synthesized sounds combined with pulsing frequencies that encourage certain brain patterns and states.  Very cool.  But what does it sound like?  I clicked the sample, and listened for a few seconds.. and it felt like my brain had melted.  So odd was it, in fact, that I bought the CD on the spot.  Since it's a digital CD, I had it ready last night and wanted to give it a try while sleeping just for fun.

...BIG mistake.  While this album was on, I couldn't seem to focus on any one thing, and I felt incredibly relaxed.  The problem?  My mind was so active, it took me hours to sleep.  When I did sleep, I had very vivid dreams, but I woke up in the middle of the night and could not get back to sleep until I turned it off.

I know it wasn't meant for sleeping, so I'm not really surprised.  I'm just amazed that it made such a huge difference.  Maybe I'll give the Delta sleep album a try.  I'll save the Gamma waves for something else :)

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Issued by The National Weather Service
Phoenix, AZ
2:02 pm MST, Wed., Feb. 2, 2011

... VERY DANGEROUS FREEZING CONDITIONS EXPECTED TONIGHT...

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN PHOENIX HAS ISSUED A RARE HARD FREEZE WARNING FOR THE GREATER PHOENIX METROPOLITAN AREA AND NORTH PINAL COUNTY FOR THIS EVENING. DANGEROUSLY LOW TEMPERATURES IN THE LOW 20S ARE EXPECTED ACROSS THIS AREA TONIGHT. INDIVIDUALS SHOULD SEEK SHELTER TO AVOID POSSIBLE INJURY. PRECAUTIONS SHOULD BE TAKEN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO MINIMIZE DAMAGE TO PLANTS... EXPOSED PIPES... AND PETS FOR THIS EVENING.

TEMPERATURES EXPECTED TONIGHT WILL BE THE COLDEST THE AREA HAS SEEN IN MANY YEARS.

Hell yeah~

Now if only my heater worked......

I won't ask for your forgiveness, because doing so would mean that I've done something wrong.

I won't ask for your understanding, because understanding takes time, and it will be a long time before you do understand.

I won't ask for you to support my decision, because you stood by me when it mattered most, and you owe me nothing.

I only ask that you never forget me.

I tell her,
"We get distracted by the dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall"

She says,
"Others have excuses
But I have my reasons why"