Apparently, the more someone hurts you, it's a sign that they care that much and were also hurt that deeply. 

The NASA proposal is finished.  Ahh, the joys of being at the bottom rung of academia.  My advisor told me that my proposal was well-written, then he proceeded to rewrite the entire thing.  At least he wrote a glowing letter of recommendation for me.  My confidence isn't completely dashed.  Sigh~

Wisps of smoke like tendrils curling around a finger of light desperately clawing its way into the dim room.  Must and musk and disuse choking the stale air. Time, endless, days dragging on sickeningly slow, yet running out, each moment important, begging for meaning, then lost. Grasping firmly onto thoughts and memories of sense of self long gone, unused, decaying and withering.
Struggling, the tiny beam of light flickers, then dims. Darkness and dark thoughts becoming one again.

I just had a very, very old friend get in touch with me.  She was my best friend in 4th grade, then she moved across the country and I never saw her again.  For some reason, I felt compelled to find her a few months back but couldn't.. then I got a message from her a few days ago.. crazy, out of the blue. 

 Then she asked me.. what have you been up to for the last 15 years?

...

Funny how all it takes is an old friend and a simple question to make you think hard about what you've done with your life.

Someday I'll be worth keeping promises to.

Happiness is not a place; it's not a goal to be reached after a hard struggle, nor the reward for a difficult life. It's the feeling of being part of something, pushing forward, learning, growing, facing new challenges and seeing them through.  Happiness is the struggle itself.

The only flaw in science is the scientist.

Every day I'm a little more proud of who you have become: an indirect affirmation of everything you strived for, everything I hoped for; years coming, but earned not a moment too soon.  I realize that I finally deserve what you gave me now that it can no longer be mine.

Halfway through writing my NASA proposal today, I went back and added my name and title at the top of the paper.  Beneath that I wrote the department and school, which at Arizona State is the School of Mechanical, Aerospace, Chemical, and Materials Engineering.  My mind already numbed by academia and its unnecessary use of acronyms to describe everything (like WoW, but worse), I began thinking about the name... the department is already abreviated to MACME, which people pronounce mack-me.  But, when you're talking about the school, it becomes............ SMACME!  Get it??  Smack-me?  Ahahahahaha..........

Back to work.  Sigh.

One of the worst mistakes I ever made in life was limiting myself to only a few people to talk to.  For a long time, especially after high school when my life was flipped upside-down, I shut myself off from many good people.  Now that they're back in my life, along with more amazing people I've met along the way, I realize how important it is to have that variety of people to talk to.  You guys keep my life fresh and interesting- thanks for being so awesome.

My Christmas was unorthodox but somehow turned out great.  My mom sent me my own tree, along with a bucketful of MeeperZ to keep me company.

Then I spent a few days in Cali at Meeper factory designing a few of my own, with my own touch... and naturally Lilu knocked one down before I could even take the shot.

I admit I have neglected a side of me that was more important than I realize.  Even something as simple as Meeper-making was so soothing and helped me channel a lot of what I've been feeling.

As for the rest of my vacation, until I figure out how to get the pics off my phone, I have none to post unfortunately.  Thank you for helping me salvage my trip.  It was exactly what I needed.~

Solitude returns ungently, not as a breeze but as a swell, unrelenting, cold and swift, washing away any traces of warmth and comfort.

The answers I sought came without words.  Silence told more than intended and less than desired, yet said just enough.

We are capable of doing incredible things when we must.  If life slows for a moment, we can marvel at all we accomplished, not because we are strong, but because we had no choice.  The strength comes after the long climb, from reaching our limits and pushing ourselves just one more step.

The least likely places sometimes provide the most solace.