"Was it worth the trip?"

You have no idea how much.

For you, I fill the temporary void of loneliness in this brief period of your life in which you don't have someone else's affection. And I'm happy to do so... because, for me, the experience means so much more. 
With all of the uncertainty in life, I hold very dear what little truth I have found... and in this case, there are two things of which I am certain.
First.. 
With each passing year, each time I love, with each experience, with each smile and embrace, I become more sure of the fact that life is a series of moments, and that the people with whom those moments are shared are temporary... and the moments themselves are the only things which truly endure.
Second.. 
In your life, you will meet many good people. A few of those people will be of an exceptional quality, and you will be fortunate enough to get to know them. And, of those, with a very select few you will share something special.. 
Finding people of a high quality is rare enough; finding people with a good heart is rarer still. Being able to experience something special is a chance too rare and too precious for me to pass up. Yes, it was worth traveling thousands of miles to see it for myself, to share even just a few of those fleeting moments. And it was exactly as I pictured. A person's quality doesn't change, no matter the type of interaction.. The core of who they are is apparent in their actions, whether they are thousands of miles away or walking by your side. It shines in life... in their eyes, in their smile, in the warmth of their touch.. but the true quality of a person will not diminish with distance.

You are of those exceptional quality of people. And meeting you was incredible. For me, I am lucky to have had the chance. That's why it's never goodbye. I'll be here for as long as you need me, for as long as you are lonely. Someday, you'll find someone to love and care for, and you won't need me anymore. And as for me, I am just happy to have met even a few good people in this cold, desolate world, to have shared that fleeting, meaningful moment. 

Someone once told me that I'm treated exceptionally well by my friends. And it's true. From the love and care I receive, in all of the beautiful ways in which people so choose to express, each day I am left awestruck and humbled.
The reason for it is no mystery. I get so much love because I give so much. And as I've learned today, the result of being so open with other people can be amazingly positive, but it also leaves you open to a world of hurt. Listening to your story today got to me in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. It reminded me that the cruelty and disrespect people show you is always caused by a failing on their part, and probably not something you have provoked or even deserved. It's easily avoided, but doing so involves closing yourself off to the possibility of being hurt, which consequently prevents the good stuff from happening, too. And most people are capable of being so very cruel..
As much as I have wanted to simply close myself off after being hurt, I am constantly reminded of how important it is to love and be loved. The rewards are so much better; they're worth the possibility of future hurt. Because if other people can go through experiences even worse than mine and still choose to love, then so can I.

We had a fantastic trip to Flagstaff this weekend, complete with snow angels, hot cocoa, chocolate cream pie, and inappropriate snowmen (if you don't get that one, go look at the pics on Facebook more closely, lol)... the snow was great, the company was even better. Unfortunately, I brought home a souvenir in the form of bronchitis. My Christmas shopping and making gifts will be put on hold until I feel a little better, hopefully sometime tomorrow.

My blog has been neglected lately, and the only reason I can find is my utter lack of emotion. I've had some very positive experiences and some very negative ones in the last couple weeks, but even between both extremes, my general mood has been about the same. I can't seem to get excited or sad about anything anymore. It's a good thing for protecting me against bad feelings like getting hurt, but sometimes, I miss the good feelings... sometimes, enough to want the bad ones back.

"It was easy then to know what was fair

When to keep and when to share

How much to protect your heart

And how much to care

But today there is no day or night

Today there is no dark or light

Today there is no black or white

Only shades of gray.."

^ this.

People ask where I "go" when I get lost in dancing. I tell them, it's that beautiful place halfway between agony and ecstasy, when movement and emotion become one, and the world dissolves and the lines blur between any sense of time or self..

Wrinkle cream ad:
"57-year-old mom looks 25"
Good lord. Is that what 25 is supposed to look like?

Look what I've done. Don't you see? Won't you be proud of me?
I'll keep pushing myself and working hard until you do. I'll become someone you can be proud of. When you look to the sky, there I'll be, a star shining so bright that even the sun dims in my presence, and you won't be able to turn away from the light...

"If only to say this to you now
I love you still, and I always will"

My adventure in San Francisco has been great so far. This city brings out the best in me. The people are colorful, the landmarks are gorgeous, and the vibe of the city compliments me beautifully.

Every time I go to a conference, somehow, I end up making a new family. Even when I am perfectly content exploring on my own, by the end of the trip, I seem to have collected an entourage of people of all different types and backgrounds, and I feel welcomed and loved by my new companions in ways that astound me considering our short time together.

At my first conference in Breckenridge, I met a passionate, volatile and sarcastic Canadian girl who spends the majority of her time as a strong political activist in her country. For reasons I can't fathom, she latched onto me and brought me into her group of incredibly outgoing and flamboyant friends. We bonded immediately... By the end of the conference, they were asking me to attend their next one so we could all see each other again.

At my second conference in Denver, I was again on my own and wandering the city with wide-eyed excitement. My roommate turned out to be, once again, a fantastically colorful Canadian with a strong mind and heart. Our personalities complimented each other perfectly, and I adored her. We shared some good talks for having only just met.
She was not the only nice surprise of the conference; a very attractive Italian postdoc asked me out to lunch, and I hit it off with him immediately. I met another Italian at a mixer in a museum, and I spent the last night of my trip with the two of them, learning Italian curse words, entertained by their rants, and dancing with them at clubs. When we went back to the hotel, they begged me not to end the night. The postdoc asked me to visit New Orleans with him purely on a whim, raving about what a great adventure companion I make. Once again, I began my adventure alone, and I returned home feeling loved..

The conference in San Francisco is shaping up to be no less. I am rooming with a friend, which has added a new dimension to the adventure, spending most of my time with a traveling companion instead of on my own. I also have a ton of friends already here, and through them we have already made many more. The family has already grown.. And I can't wait to see what adventures lie in wait for our last two days here.

Here's to adventures on the horizon, to friends who have shared the journey and friends we have yet to meet, to getting the most out of every day, to laughing and loving freely, to stepping over boundaries and outside comfort zones to discover the amazing things which lie on the other side.

My last final..... ever. I couldn't contain the huge grin on my face as I left the exam hall.

I passed a guy while walking, who did a double-take before approaching me..

"Excuse me.. how do you walk so.. elegantly?"
I paused and looked at him, amused.
"I wanted to know.." he asked, "would you be interested in attaining enlightenment? I can show you a great book on yoga and-"
I laughed. "I already have achieved enlightenment, thank you though." With a smile, I turned and started walking away, leaving him with a bewildered look on his face.
"But, wait! You can share it with others!"
"I'm trying!" I called over my shoulder with another smile, then vanished in the crowd.

My love is vengeance that's never free.

Never again.

I can't give you what you seek. Please, let me go..

... Plunging into future unknown down a path obscured, I tread lightly, for I have just crossed the border to that which dwells beyond the wildest reaches of my imagination. I am at once entirely unsure and completely at ease. Because this time is different. This time, I have you...

From my hydrology lab partner. I don't think he believed me :( Should I have told him that I'm getting on campus so late because that's when our raid ends?

This song is a great example of the style that I loved to play back when I was learning piano. Haunting, rhythmic, beautiful in its simplicity. But then, I've always been a sucker for songs written in a minor key.

                                             ---

How much was I willing to tolerate just to be loved? How many sacrifices would I make? How much of myself would I have to give?
It turns out, the answer was.. "too much."

There was a time when I craved love badly enough to reach out to anyone who simply extended their hand. If I can give enough of my love and care and devotion, then maybe they will love me. If I show them everything I'm willing to sacrifice for them, then maybe they will care. If it doesn't work, I'll just give a little more. Surely they see everything I do, and they will love me as much as I love them, right?

Giving yourself less value than you're worth is all the reason that people need to step in and walk all over you. And they will, gladly.

But something amazing happens when you treat yourself with respect: others start to do the same. You're the only one who knows what you're worth. It's your job to make sure that you get no less than you deserve. And it starts with respect. Respect yourself for your qualities which have value. Respect others for the valuable qualities they possess. And make sure that the people with whom you surround yourself have a healthy level of respect for you. It takes time to build, just like trust. And sometimes it's hard to find people with qualities of value. But you should never settle for less than what you're worth.

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher... and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."
            -- The rule of Quest Physics

In these final hours, I will lay down my heart.

"...luck, not through fate, but through the excellent sense of timing that results when two people so perfectly complement each other's abilities."

I was wondering when the burnout would happen. Too many weeks set on overdrive, not enough relaxation time. Last night was the crash and burn; unbelievably bad nightmares kept me from getting more than 2 hours of sleep, and my heart rate has been double what it should be ever since. My body forced me into an unplanned day of rest. Tonight is focused on recovery, for what little time I can spare.

The real recovery, however, begins next week. It's the ray of light on the horizon.

Aside from the endless torrent of research and homework, there have also been some other important things on my mind. Sometime very soon, when I'm well-rested and have more than an hour to spare, I will post what needs to be said.

Curse you, sun, for rising; my work is nowhere near complete..

Few things terrify me more than the idea of succumbing to the banality of life, the routine, of becoming stagnant and predictable and ordinary. Once the newness of a place has faded into familiarity, once the mystery and novelty and magic have long since fled, the tedious procession of days sets in.... and the rot and decay of complacency stagnate the air until they choke the last rays of sun which desperately claw their way through the dust to caress the ground one last time.. and then they, too, are swallowed by the insatiable fog of monotony as it devours the last traces of.. life.

"When first I was put into prison some people advised me to try and forget who I was. It was ruinous advice. It is only by realising what I am that I have found comfort of any kind. Now I am advised by others to try on my release to forget that I have ever been in a prison at all. I know that would be equally fatal. It would mean that I would always be haunted by an intolerable sense of disgrace, and that those things that are meant for me as much as for anybody else – the beauty of the sun and moon, the pageant of the seasons, the music of daybreak and the silence of great nights, the rain falling through the leaves, or the dew creeping over the grass and making it silver – would all be tainted for me, and lose their healing power, and their power of communicating joy. To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul."

What should you do when finally realize you have discovered something beautiful and precious, but you know that it's not something you deserve?

Despite today being one of my rare chances to sleep in, I woke up this morning at 8 am and could not fall back asleep. As my mind churned through the million things I need to finish this weekend, a nagging thought popped into my head; a friend who was deployed to Afghanistan a month ago recently sent me an email, and I have been meaning to reply. He included his address, however, and as my tired mind lay in bed cursing my inability to fall back asleep, I found myself mentally writing a letter to him. I finally succumbed to the urge and pulled out a pen and a sheet of engineering paper. There's something just so organic and personal about a handwritten letter; both the giving and receiving have always been enjoyable for me. Only once I finished and I sealed the letter with a date did I realize what day it is today.

To the people whose nature compels them to serve and protect, in whichever walk of life they choose, you have my respect.

"angelus errare"... where angels lose their way..

Happier than I've been in what feels like a long time.

Teehee. I lol'd.
Writing proposals sucks. Writing proposals when I have a huge homework assignment due the same day sucks even more. Le sigh~

"You'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved"

A monologue of such raw fervor and brutal honesty that I couldn't help but post. It stirred some emotions in me that I hadn't felt for a long time. Thank you Sam for sharing...

A refuge for broken hearts. A magnet for tortured souls. Your eyes betray your sorrow; let me help you bear your burden. Tell me your story. Share me your pain. If you suffer, I'll suffer too. And we'll make it through together. I swear it.

"I'm only human."

Well, it's not good enough. Do you want to be ordinary, or do you want to be the exception?

"I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here..."

"You look so... delicate. Please, just take this. I want you to have it."
Then he handed me a single red rose and walked away.

"You're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere"

The realization is both humbling and liberating..... Everything is going to be ok.

I am updating my blog from my phone while watching youtube videos and texting at a conference seminar. Win. Technology is a beautiful thing! Why didn't anyone tell me how awesome this is?

Thank you Nick for an epic birthday present.

The streets of downtown Denver are filled with sights, smells, and colorful people. I wandered over to historic Old Town and got to see a few places that Nick has been telling me about since he lived here 6 years ago. Apparently it's the perfect time of year; I got here during the two weeks that all the trees turn rich, beautiful colors, and the ground is coated with leaves of the perfect texture and abundance for crunching under my boots and kicking up in a flurry of cascading color. Day 2 of my trip has already been an adventure.

Guy on the street: "Hey, killer boots, would you like to save the killer whales?"
Me: "Already do. It's my job."
Him: "Oh, uh.." *sputters*

Random homeless guy who smelled like cigars: "Would you look happy, please? For the rest of the world?"
I smiled in reply.

What a wild, utterly unbelievable week.

Almost no sleep last night due to the epic conversation well into dawn, and yet somehow I got up at 7am, made my costume (including working a sewing machine - first try - which I haven't even touched in 10 years.. was quite proud of myself), headed out an hour into the desert to do a hydrology lab, which involved wading chest-high in a fast-moving, 50 degree river to take flow measurements, barefoot (as I watched one of my sandals slip off and float downriver), trying to decide between gaining my footing on slippery, slimy moss-covered rocks or the ground between covered in sharp broken shells.. all before 5pm, and I have a million things to do all before my flight at 4am.

And that was only today..

Be back in a week. Much love.

So long, and goodnight.

The process of healing is long and slow. Much love to the friends who give me advice, listen to my emo ramblings when I'm down, tell me wonderful things to cheer me up, fend off the guys at clubs who try to dance with me, stay up with me when I can't sleep at 5am, and generally do all of the amazing things that make me proud to have you guys in my life.

Wow.

Such a great time tonight. :)

The Simpsons: Comments about PhDs and Grad Students
Awwww. It's so true!

So sexy. I love seeing the F-35 STOVL landing. And it's that much cooler knowing that I designed a few brackets in it ;) Purrrrrr...

"You don't seem like the kind of person who would put up with someone treating you wrong."

I think I've heard that line a dozen times in the last few weeks; a couple of those were from people I hardly know. It's kind of surprising to hear that kind of evaluation of me from someone that I just met. And they're absolutely right; I'm not that kind of person, and I never will be again..

"A new life she has found."

I'm free..

Yeah.. I kinda felt like this after the movie tonight. Like with everything these days, I went into the movie not expecting much.. but I walked out going "ZOMG prosthetic-tailed dolphin will save us all~ :D :D!!!"
Cute movie. And I had a great time with the ladies.

Apparently meeting me is "like finding a lottery ticket in the middle of the desert, and it just happens to be the winning ticket."

Well, meeting you is like an unexpected breath of fresh wind just when I had grown used to breathing the stale air.

Let it be known that I was kicked out of a bar twice tonight for my sobriety, but never before when I was drunk..

Part of me will always mourn the loss of something unique and incredible. I'm so fortunate to have experienced it. And yes, it was worth the hell you put me through. The love we shared was ecstasy; delicious and passionate and completely capturing the entirety of my mind. But now I've moved on.. and so should you.

When will you stop suffering and start living? When will you leave behind the regrets of the past, the excuses, and truly focus your life on something worthwhile?

Talking to you again was amazing, while it lasted. But you haven't changed.. and until you do, you don't deserve to talk to me.

You're capable of so much more. I believe in you. I always have. But this journey must be completed without me. Prove to me that you're ready to change your life by doing it, on your own.. and prove to me that you regret the things you did to me by respecting me enough to leave me alone. Perhaps someday, I'll seek you out again. Perhaps then we can again delight in the rare experience of minds deeply entwined.

"In the end
I will always love you..."

Yes, it does have to be "goodbye." And when you understand that, maybe then it can be "hello" again.

Thanks to Steve for my new nickname.
I am now the "Notorious Vixen" :)

Closure.

Ten months late, perhaps, but still necessary. It's never too late to say sorry. It's never too late to tell people what they've done for you. How much they mean to you.

You may have hurt me, but you'll always be looking out for me. And I'll always care. Always..

Lately I've been finding love from people I would not expect. In addition to everything that the amazing friends I have in my life have done for me, I have also received random acts of kindness from complete strangers, new friends, and even old enemies..

This beautiful article almost brought a tear. Even more so by the fact that it was shared with me by someone capable of such cruelty. Perhaps it's true that cute epic animal stories can melt even the coldest hearts.

The past is not a realm of possibilities. Things happened the way they did because there was no other way they could have happened. No amount of wishing or regretting will ever change that fact.

How I long for a simpler time, before the world grew so cold.

"What was the start of all this?
When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
Perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
From deep within the flow of time...

But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies..."

You ask me what you should do to get over your feelings for someone.

The simple answer: you can't.

Instead, embrace the feelings and take comfort in knowing that you're one of the few people in this world who experienced love on that level. Pity the poor souls who never will.


1 Corinthians 13:

"When completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; but one day, we shall see face to face. Now I know only in part; one day I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

To all the storms I've chased.

Years I spent, catching the hint of a breeze, the sweet smell of rain, but nothing could have prepared me for you. You swept in and lit up my life, electric, dancing winds swirled above my head, descending playfully to toss my hair, an occasional drop of rain bouncing lightly off my cheek. Just when I began to comprehend, and I reached out my hand to embrace, you slipped through my fingers, elusively, and then you were gone.. and I was left standing in your wake, my hair tousled and wind-blown, eyes wide with shock, longing for more, even a hint of what I had experienced, and instead left empty, alone. I did not understand, then.

I had caught a taste and wanted more.. I followed another storm, and new sensations filled my world. Young and inexperienced, but bright, and full of wonder, I laughed and loved and enjoyed the ride while it lasted.

So engaged was I in chasing storms that I did not notice the tremors beneath me. My very foundation collapsed, and I found myself standing on the edge of a chasm, lost and frightened. When my world below me crumbled, I looked to the skies, and I found you. Warm and comforting, you carried me to the clouds, and together we created our own world, an escape from cold reality. Nurtured by your warm gentle winds I lay, protected, until I was again ready to fly.

Gathering clouds in the distance held my gaze. Flickers of light and dark played on the surface and belied the torrential winds within. A new storm approached on the horizon, and I longed for a taste. Rare and complex, I yearned to capture, to tame the raw power and beauty I beheld, but in vain. The time we spent, however, was precious; my own storm within me grew, and in turn I watched yours develop and refine, and what started as something unique became truly magnificent. At a distance, now, we feed of the force of the other, each more intense and passionate from what is shared.

For a while I spent much time alone. A beautiful storm passed by, but I did not chase; I waited, gathering my strength, learning to live on my own. And then, there was you.

Dark, brooding clouds whispered the promise of something tantalizing. For the first time, I found myself drawn inexorably toward the certain danger which my intuition sensed. This storm was different; its violent winds careened about carelessly, swirling inward, both powerful and self-destructive. There could be only one outcome of this chase; I would get hurt, and I knew it. I didn't care. Intoxicated, I became swept up, and only too late did I try to escape, to find myself dragged helplessly ever inward. Finally I pulled away, weathered, torn, longing for solace.

I emerged broken and vulnerable. Blinking, I stepped into the sun, and a light breeze turned my head. Warm rain washed me clean; I embraced the sensation. You were a light summer rain to rejuvenate my mind and heart.

Now, I'm ready to return to the real storm chasing. Perhaps, this time, I'll let the storms chase me.

Wow...

Epic conversation. Hearing your story humbles me. I'm amazed every day by the people I meet, and even more still by finding out what they have endured. Someday when my heart has healed, perhaps I'll take you up on your offer..

Trying to pick out a Halloween costume to make or buy, whatever is cheaper.. it needs to be nerdy/epic/silly. Ideally something that would work as a pair with Christophe for when he's out here for Halloween :) Ideas, anyone?

EDIT: The ideas you guys came up with on Facebook are amazing. So far, the winner is an Elmo-themed version of this:
http://www.motifake.com/sesame-street-slayer-cosplay-demotivational-posters-101124.html
Keep the suggestions coming!

An awesome equation/poem/epicness-thingie....


9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u)
9x - 7i > 9x - 21u
-7i > -21u
7i < 21u
i < 3u

*nerdgasm*
Thank you Dan :D

The Melody of Your Demise

One of my favorite artists wrote a story to go along with her painting. Enjoy...

"Tales speak of how Mehach, Goddess of Death, used to visit the world of Aii Chriaston in the past. She would herself step down from her ebony keep, and gently weave and coax souls from their discarded shells - and legends speak of how she, when gathering souls from a battlefield, met a wounded, but still breathing young man by the name of Ereyon.

Ereyon was beautiful in a way the Goddess had never seen before - she had seen beauty in Gods, but here, she saw beauty in life. In his pulse, in the beat of his heart, and she came to love him - and he came to love her.

She visited him every night, and every night they kissed. For nearly a year, they were together, but Ereyon had a secret he did not share with his mistress. Though her presence when she was with him was dimmed down - she was still Death, and she was slowly killing him. Rather than telling her, and losing what little time he had left with her, he kept quiet, and wasted away. Mehach was blinded by her love for him and suspected nothing until the day he actually died - and she felt his passing from her throne.

He did not come to her, though, as souls should. He clung to his grave and haunted the cemetery at night. Mehach called for him but he would not come - so she was forced to go down to him once again.

He did not want to go to the ebony keep, because he knew that then he would lose his memories and his love for her - he would lose what he had left. Haunting the cemetery, at least, would let him remember what they had shared.

Mehach spent the night in the graveyard, playing her harp - weaving patterns of his soul through her fingers, until, quiet as the wraith he was, he could no longer resist... and floated towards her, kissing her cheek - and she kissed him in return and thus stole his memories, and his love, and all that he once was... truly stealing his life before taking him back to the dark keep.

It is said that after this incident, after the tragic death of Ereyon, the Goddess of Death has never been seen on Aii Chriaston again."

Who knew that it would take the only other person uniquely positioned to understand our situation to open my eyes completely.

Regardless of how long we had been dating, you had been around me for nearly a year. You had seen the way I interact with people. I'm an open, engaging, flirtatious, friendly person with unbridled passion and enthusiasm in all of my interactions with other people. It's what makes me who I am. You've seen it. You knew it about me long before we started dating. It's part of what you claimed to love about me. To expect me to act any differently when we were together was your mistake.

Just because I'm passionate and flirtatious doesn't mean my love isn't true; I'm incredibly loyal, I always have been, and I always will be. And people who know and love me can appreciate that quality about me.

The trouble is, while you'd seen me be myself around people online plenty of times, you hadn't seen it in person, and it had never been checked against your level of insecurity and pride. When that happened, both times, you simply couldn't handle it.

The only thing I ever did wrong with you was be myself.

You have a lot of issues to work out. I would have been there for you, had you let me. But now you're on your own.

I'm closing the pages on this chapter. I have no regrets, and it's time to move on.

Random screenies that made me smile.

If anyone has ever wondered what actually went on in officer chat..

Yes, we are.

Can't sleep, and I have to teach a class in 5 hours, ugh. Instead of much-needed rest, I did the next best thing: I went through my old screenshots and picked a few of my favorites. :)

Lich King 10m reg, our first kill, I think we were 10th on the server. Still incredibly proud of it.

Server first heroic 10m; probably the most gratifying thing I've done in WoW, except perhaps the 25m heroic kill, for different reasons..

Epic walk through Dalaran after we got Argent Defender. I miss old times. When life was so simple, when I actually had time to play, when the world was so big, and we owned it.

Best drunken whispers ever <3

Still makes me smile..

Hands down, best RP ever. Still gives me chills thinking about it.

If only I could believe it.

She's done, for now. Please click to see detail! Since my drawing book is so small, I could only draw half the figure sadly. I feel bad drawing through my social science class these days; it seems like the professor plans every class around me. The first commentary he talks about is mine, he brings up all my points, and he asks for my opinion constantly. How do you become a teacher's pet in a social science class? Make it known that you're the only one in the room who actually understands the hard science behind everything being discussed. Respect is a lovely thing.

Speaking of lovely things, the lilies have almost all bloomed; my whole apartment smells like a garden...

It actually felt incredibly good to let that out, if even for a moment. Thank you.....
Life has been so busy, I have barely had time to think, let alone heal. When I have more than five minutes of time to reflect, I'll have much more to say. But for now, just know that you guys have been amazing. Every text, every call, every whisper, every time you stop by to drop off lunch, or just to give me a hug, it's what has kept me going, literally. I love you.

Break time is over; back to writing lesson plans!~

Why do random strangers walk up to me and tell me to smile?

"Don't give up, keep changing the world until it fits you!"

Beautiful..

I, for one, welcome our new Ducky overlords.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/niw/3921954778/

"but reality isn't real
it's too complex for it to be real
it means it's imaginary
so you just have to multiply everything by √(-1) and you will be ok"

So much win. Brilliant Carlos, just brilliant <3.
Inspired by a conversation about the social science majors in my class, like so much is these days..

*speechless*

What little of the information that I understand contained in this paragraph is so fundamentally wrong that it invalidates anything else being said, were there actually anything intelligent being said to begin with. UGH.

I stopped crying the moment I watched you drive away. And I still have yet to shed a single tear.

It brings me no comfort when I tell people the story, even when they laugh at how ridiculous it is. Once the noise of life dies down, and in silence I may truly reflect on all that has passed, perhaps then I can make sense of it all. And yet, even now, I know the words that will cross my lips. The same words that echoed in my head from the moment I saw hatred in your blue-green eyes.

What a waste...

Normally songs paired with angsty, pretentious video montages would force my gag reflex. But this one just felt right.
My 5 minute break from writing lesson plans is over; back to work..

"This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."

Dear Maurice,

Romania sounds beautiful. You were a lot of fun to dance with. I think it's awesome that you're going to be a pilot. But you might want to think twice next time you're about to test a drunk engineer on her physics knowledge. I completely smoked you on Bernoulli's Principle :)

Would it have hurt you to try?
By the way
You left without saying goodbye to me

"The people who command respect from others are also slightly intimidating; every person that I respect, I also fear slightly, because I know that if I got out of line, they'd put me back in my place."

Amazing conversation. Meeting people of such a high level of quality restores my faith in the world.

Don't mistake pride for confidence; the truly confident people don't crack under pressure. They thrive in it. I will make it my goal to not only surround myself with good people, but to find people who are truly strong, from the inside out.

I forgive you, forget you, the end

Good lord... I'm running out of vases...

Thanks to my social science class, I got some more drawing in today..

In addition to the overwhelming amount of love and kind words I've received from friends the last few days, some of the advice I've been given has been downright beautiful. Your eloquence has left me speechless; hope you guys don't mind me sharing a few..

"It takes listening, either with the body or the heart, to maintain balance. If he didn't listen then there is not much you can do to keep the balance... Dance and dating have a lot in common. They require a lot of communication. More importantly, they are both undertaken by individuals who are striving to reach a goal neither can reach independently. Both work when the goals are shared and are laid out in the open. And the results for both can be beautiful expressions that are unparalleled by anything..."
- Thank you, Carlos.. it seems like every time we go to dance class, we learn something new about relationships and life. We'll be experts by the end of the semester, amirite?

"Don't believe what I say, believe in what I do, what I have done, and what I will do."
- Thanks Jayson, if only more people lived by those rules.

"None of us have control over the hand we're dealt. We only control how we play the cards."
- As always, Lance, you seem to know exactly what to say..

My mistake was taking you back after what you did in Vegas. I should have known it would happen again. But I was so caught up in the fantasy world you painted for the two of us.

I feel sorry for you; you haven't truly known love. One day when you grow up and get over your pride, perhaps you'll let someone in, and you'll know what it's like to be happy.

It's hard not to slip into despair when I realize how bad I've been treated. Being fed empty words and promises for months, just to be abandoned in the end. Realizing that I was used. I know I deserve better, but right now, it's so hard to believe.

Can you say.. squee?

Between learning new dances in dance class today, I ran outside and stood in the rain.. leaving my hair damp and extra wild-looking for the super sexy rumba dip we learned: the guy, with his knee between my legs, bends me over and flips my head around, then snaps me back up to his face. So damn hot. 

The nonstop work I've had to do since I got back in town keeps my mind occupied. But especially thanks to the outpouring of love from friends, I'm doing fine.

It's like you guys know my favorite flower or something, lol. Thank you everyone...

"Are you a ballerina? You just have that look.."

One day in and I'm already back in the game. Life goes on~

For nostalgia's sake. Goodbye all, miss you.

"Do you feel better now.."

"In your eyes I perceive.. both the look of a beauty and the look of a beast. Be mindful not to bring about your own end. A dream lies in wait, reaching out to engulf you."

I take back what I said. My social science class is AWESOME.

...

So annoyed was I with last week that I put no effort in today's class, choosing instead to doodle in a drawing pad. I'd pop my head up from my drawing long enough to occasionally give my thoughts, and the class would spend the next half an hour discussing the incredibly deep and poignant idea I'd presented.. while I'd snicker to myself quietly. Mwahahaha..

Here's what I accomplished today in class:

Actually, I was kinda sad when class ended. Over already? But my drawing isn't done :(

Lesson learned today? Life is far more enjoyable when you don't take it seriously.

Don't come here seeking wisdom. You're looking in the wrong place. You walk among the rubble, the decaying ruins of that which was broken long ago. The words you read are but musings of one lost among the ghosts of the past. Far beyond help, far past redemption.

"We earned our fate with our pride."

"You are free to sever the chains of fate that bind you..."

"... Tell me.... What is the most important thing in your life...? Ask yourself what you can do, and what you need to do, in order to obtain it. If not you, then whom!? If not now, then when!?...."

"What I have shown you is reality. What you remember, that is the illusion."

Dance = sex = life

Carlos and I have determined that awesome dance partners would make for amazing sex. Why? The key to happy relationships is when a man is dominant and confident, yet respectful and mindful of a girl's needs.. and when the girl respects him and trusts and follows his lead. And when a girl tries to backlead, nothing works right. It works the same way in ballroom dancing and sex. It's a primal and biological instinct. When two people are compatible, everything flows.



First half of the day was spent on discovering what makes for a happy, healthy relationship. Second half will be spent on actually getting my work done, I swear....

A hero will save me just in time

Dear social science majors,

The natural laws of the universe are not subject to your interpretation, no matter how important a roomful of people listening to you makes you feel.

Also, telling me to shut up doesn't make what you have to say any less wrong.

Love, the (very) lone real scientist in the class.

The last time I slept well was in your arms.

Just once these days, let me feel like I've done something right for a change..

Forgive me my weakness

Ugh, yes, I know.. this band is all I've been listening to lately.. forgive me! Sweet cover of a Duran Duran song. Better than the original IMO. Enjoy.

Dear social science majors with whom I will be taking my "Human and Social Dimensions of Climate Change" course this semester.

I apologize in advance for any technical jargon I may use when presenting topics this semester. I apologize if the subjects are completely over your heads, and I'll try to bring my level of thinking down to yours. I'll also work on hiding my snooty engineer attitude whenever your topics of research are discussed.

I promise I don't think you're dumb. No, really. I even asked a few of you about your research. And, as an example, one of you is doing a topic for your Ph.D that involves understanding human emotions experienced when people recycle or conserve energy. Which is a legit topic. Totally worth the 6 years you've spent on it. It's not like I could write your dissertation in an hour or anything. And when people call us both "doctor," I won't be bitter about the fact that the classes and work that I did for my Ph.D were actually hard.

Love, your resident lone Mechanical Engineer.

This band is my newest obsession. Youtube didn't have this song, so I had to make my own video to share it.. enjoy.

EDIT: Youtube already blocked it, sadface

For the sake of clarity. Because one thing I've learned today, among many, is that I need to work on expressing myself better and more clearly......

When I talk about the "midlife crisis" that I discuss several posts ago, I don't simply mean a passing mood. Or a phase. I don't mean that someone who has experienced what I'm talk about gets up in the morning, invigorated, wanting to achieve more. What I'm talking about isn't a New Years resolution. It's not even a realization. It's not something that just affects how you talk, or act, or see the world.

It's a complete and utter transformation. And it's not something that you can understand entirely, no matter how much you think you do, until you experience it yourself.

There are three steps in the process I'm talking about.

The first step is understanding that there's something missing from your life. Perhaps it's the reason you come home and cry when no one's around. Perhaps it's a dull ache in the back of your heart that never seems to go away. Perhaps it's noticing your own gradual shift towards being a bitter person. Perhaps it's that there is something you see in other people who look happy, truly happy, and you wish that you could experience something that good, even for a moment. Perhaps it's the moment of despair you experience when you deal with something you just can't quite handle, and you wish you had someone there to guide you. Perhaps it's a feeling that you can't quite place, but you know that you could be a better person, stronger, more capable of handling things.

Honestly, it's a big first step. Admitting that something might be lacking from your life is a hard thing to do.

The second step is a moment of awakening. It's a paradigm shift. It's when clarity hits you like lightning, and suddenly the whole world comes into focus. The way you see everything is utterly transformed. Every action you take, every person you interact with, everything you strive for, will also be utterly transformed by this moment of clarity. For me, it was possibly the most beautiful moment of my life.
"I was blind, but now I see."

The third step is perhaps the most difficult. It's realizing that everything discovered in that moment of clarity is now applied to every single action you take for the rest of your life. And it's making that happen. The third step never ends; it's something that will take work. Hard work. And there are no breaks. No places to "escape from your morals." Every thought you have, every person you meet, everything you do will be subject to a reevaluation based on what you've discovered is important, what's truly important to you. Yes, you will slip up. You will stumble. But never again will you feel utterly lost and hopeless. Never again will you wonder what's lacking from your life. Never again will you see others who are happy and wish you had the same thing. Never again will you question what is the "right thing to do." Because you'll know. It'll be clear. Everything will be clear..

Each person's journey is different and unique based on who they are; no two people will ever have exactly the same journey. What I described is only what I experienced myself, and the similarities it shared watching a person I love experience it too.

Ask any experienced minister or priest about what I'm talking about. They will know instantly exactly what I mean. There's a term in religion for everything I've described.

It's called "finding God."



Everyone has the ability to achieve what I just described, but so few people ever will. What I just described is more important than who I am, or anything I'll ever do.. and I'll actively work every day to show the people I love all of the things I described. I'll work every day to make every action, every interaction I have with other people, indicative of the strong morals I have. I'll never lose sight of the things that are important to me. Understanding everything I just described is paramount to leading a fulfilling life. Understanding how important it is to me is paramount to understanding me. Understanding my intentions in every situation is paramount to knowing my heart....

Open my eyes, it was only just a dream..

My soul-searching is over. I didn't find the answers I was looking for.. turns out I was looking in the wrong place. Now all I can do is wait..

True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I miss you terribly.

My old boss comes to Arizona sometimes to visit his daughter, and we get together for lunch and fantastic conversation. The last time he was here, we ended up talking for hours. In the end, I was giving him advice about everything from life to religion to relationships. What is more remarkable, I wonder.. the fact that I can give advice to someone 25 years my senior, or the fact that he takes every word of it to heart?

I possess an incredible amount of clarity regarding my own life and the world around me. Looking at others, from people my own age to people twice my age, it seems that such a quality is not typical.

I was told once that most people go through a "crisis of faith" in their mid 40s. It doesn't have to be related to your religion; you can call it a midlife crisis, you can call it a parenting crisis, you can call it anything you want. The truth is that what people experience is directly related to all of the above. Typically, the crisis comes from a wake-up call in the form of either a realization that your kids are growing up and it's your responsibility to shape their lives, or a realization that you're not young anymore and you might not be leading a fulfilling life. No matter what triggers the wake-up call, the conclusion is the same: you begin to have a different perspective of life. Drastically different. A perspective that life should have a deeper meaning.

More and more I'm seeing that many of the people with whom I surround myself have reached this point already. Even more astounding is how young we all are. We're having our "midlife crisis," just 20 years early. The most remarkable thing about it, however, is seeing that they have come out of it with a clarity of purpose and understanding of life. I see it in them because I've found it too. And sharing that level of understanding with someone is breathtaking.

The next few days will involve some soul-searching. This blog will serve as a place to collect my thoughts and record what I find.

Things are different now. They will never go back to the way they were before. But I wouldn't want them to.

Every word, breath, touch.. every interaction, every outcome is another step. Some might be a step back. Some might be a plunge forward. But every bit is important and necessary. Innocence lost, experience gained.

Things will never be the same. All I need to do is close my eyes and breathe in your scent for a firm reminder of that fact.

"Your arms are my castle.."

AFK from life for one week. Going to heaven, brb.

We're old enough to know better.. but we're young enough to do it anyway.

I'm submitting my first paper this week to GRL (Geophysical Research Letters). Yes, it's super serious. It's monumental.. and incredibly exciting..
But all I can think about is you and how you'll be here in two days...

WTB sleep PST

Oh, and Unix software and coding are DUMB.

If anyone can translate this page into english for me, I'd be eternally grateful....
http://www.gnu.org/software/wget/manual/wget.html

The rats may have been the first to flee.. but I went down with my ship.

I realized that what I feared was completely different from what I had thought. But I'm not scared anymore.

I am unbridled passion, and only you have the power to tame me. This is your one shot; make it count. Blow my mind. Rock my world. Because I'm about to turn yours upside-down. And I'll settle for nothing less than extraordinary.

Aim for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land somewhere among the stars.....

can't. get. this. song. out. of. my. head.
I blame you Lance :(

Every day gets a little better, one step at a time. Today I was reminded of what it's like to be taken care of. It's amazing.. I almost feel like I have a family.

Note to self: don't leave the living room blinds wide open if you plan on walking around the apartment nekkid.. especially if you hear people outside :(

I'll be a moth to your flame.

So utterly blissfully happy.

How privileged am I to have such amazing people in my life. You know who you are. The ones who care about me and my future, who uplift me and help me be better every day. You guys are everything.

Never before have I felt so satisfied, so completely cared for, so entirely loved.

Thank you..

It's my favorite time of the year. I live for the storms. Seeing even a glimpse of one is energizing. Feeling the rain on my face as the light illuminates the world is magic. It's even worth having to leave Castles and Coasters early because they shut down all the rides for the massive thunderstorm moving overhead..

"I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright."

No matter how hard you push. No matter how much you try to drag me down. I won't stoop to your level. Because if I did, I would be compromising the very thing you love about me..

Horde quests are SO much more epic. The questline that takes you into Twilight Highlands includes this bit of dialog while you wait to board the zeppelin fleet... As an engineer, I had to giggle a bit :)

----------

Hobart Grapplehammer: Boarding the Spear of Durotar, are we? You are to be envied, Horde marine!

Hobart Grapplehammer: You are about to rip the horizon a new sky-hole aboard a sensational new era in aeronautical innovation.

Hobart Grapplehammer: It's been recklessly engineered with a merciless disregard for both budgetary concerns and those cumbersome, inefficient "laws of physics."

Assistant Greely: Not a penny was wasted on comfort or personal safety!

Hobart Grapplehammer: While you wait for its arrival, my assistant and I will momentarily demonstrate some of the features of this remarkable aircraft.

Hobart Grapplehammer: As you know, air weighs nothing. So to create a lighter-than-air vessel, we had to bend a few rules.

Assistant Greely: We bent the crap outta them!

Hobart Grapplehammer: The Spear of Durotar is filled to the bursting point with combustible, super-heated gas.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Bilgewater engineers have taken advantage of its inherent high-altitude instability and resultant low-cost.

Assistant Greely: We passed the savings on to us.

Hobart Grapplehammer: We've mitigated the explosive instability of the gas by putting it under IMMENSE pressure.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Doing so required the removal of a number of safety valves that kept erupting.

Assistant Greely: Ask yourself: what good is a "safety" valve if it keeps going off? That doesn't sound very safe to me.

Assistant Greely: Tell 'em about the engines, boss.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Oh my, yes. In order to maximize both range and payload, we've concocted an unorthodox blend of rocket fuels for the state-of-the-art engines.

Assistant Greely: We call it "Doom Juice."

Hobart Grapplehammer: It is so energy-dense as to combust at the slightest provocation.

Assistant Greely: Even verbal.

Hobart Grapplehammer: This stuff is so volatile, it probably shouldn't be moved. Much less... flown.

Assistant Greely: To ensure a crew response in case of a fire, fuel storage has been moved away from the crew quarters and placed beneath the passenger compartment.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Your course today will take you directly across the great sea.

Hobart Grapplehammer: An enormous, unforgiving expanse of pounding grey waves, freezing temperatures, and ravenous sea life.

Assistant Greely: In the unlikely event of a water "landing," please reach under your seat cusion where a cyanide capsule has been located for your convenience.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Trust me, friend, a rapid pill-induced death is far preferable to the long, agonizing process of hypothermia and subsequent dismemberment by sharks.

Assistant Greely: For those of you allergic to almonds, our cyanide capsules come in an assortment of other flavors.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Don't ask how we know what they taste like.

Assistant Greely: You'll also find a complimentary bag of peanuts.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Should your zeppelin be attacked en-route, panic is inadvisable.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Instead, look for a number of deck-mounted flak cannons positioned for just such an emergency.

Assistant Greely: Nothing keeps a fleet of combustible dirigibles safer than randomly flinging molten metal in every conceivable direction!

Hobart Grapplehammer: Greely, show them how the guns work.

Assistant Greely: With Pleasure!

Hobart Grapplehammer: Simply aim and pull the trigger. Or don't aim. I wash my hands of the whole thing.

Assistant Greely: I can hit my house from here!

((Greely proceeds to fire off a few shots.))

Hobart Grapplehammer: Greely, you're not randomly firing that thing into Bilgewater Port, are you?

Assistant Greely: No.

Assistant Greely: Maybe.

Assistant Greely: A little.

Hobart Grapplehammer: In the unlikely event that a catastrophic failure does not instantly kill everyone aboard...

Hobart Grapplehammer: ...a number of parachutes will appear along the railings.

Assistant Greely: We call them "Emergency Rampless Debarkation Devices."

Hobart Grapplehammer: Simply grab a nearby parachute to be vaulted clear of the burning zeppelin. Hopefully onto dry land.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Greely, would you like to demonstrate how our parachutes work?

Assistant Greely: Oh hells no! Those things are death-traps!

Hobart Grapplehammer: Very well then. I see that the Spear of Durotar has almost arrived.

Hobart Grapplehammer: Your safety and well-being are no longer any concern of mine.

Assistant Greely: From all of us at Bilgewater Harbor...

Hobart Grapplehammer & Assistant Greely: Have fun storming the Highlands!

----------

Cartoons vs. CGI: A dying art

I remember the day I heard that Disney fired all of their cartoonists and artists, saying that the future of Disney lay in CGI only. My heart utterly broke.

When I was seven, I mailed a few of my drawings to Disney. I received a letter back, which included my original letter with the section highlighted in which I told them my age (apparently they don't receive too many drawings from 7-year-olds). Their response said that they were impressed with my work, and when I was old enough, they wanted me to send in a professional portfolio and I'd have a job waiting for me. Now here I am, 18 years later, and the job I was promised is obsolete.

I've always had a fondness for the incredible clarity of expression capable with art, and in particular, cartoons. In  what takes paragraphs of text to explain, I can sum up in one facial expression of a drawn character. And one several-panel comic speaks volumes. Family and friends are often my inspiration; my dad used to do voices for characters he made up, and every year for Christmas, Father's Day, and his birthday, I would make him a cartoon based on his voices. The dry sarcasm and twisted dark humor made my gifts his favorite every year. And many friends and ex's over the years have been turned into their own characters, complete with their own comic and storyline.

Drawn characters afford a certain level of imagination in their portrayal; exaggerated expressions and movements that defy reality serve to enhance the storytelling and enrich the visual experience. Cartoons are a feast for the senses. Much of the detail in a cartoon is implied, such as a cat's fur being represented by a couple jagged lines on its forehead. Any additional detail is not only needless, but including it becomes a distraction from the far more important representation of the character's colorful personality. The richness of the character lies instead in the attention to other more subtle, but poignant, details: an exaggerated wink, a bounce in a step, a jaunted chin or slinky tail.

CGI, unfortunately, undercuts or completely misses many of the beautiful things about cartoons. When you spend so much time painting every hair, every line of physical detail, instead of a "character," you end up with exactly what you set out to make: an extremely lifelike representation. But the point of animated movies is to express characters and ideas that can't be found in life. Have you noticed how unmemorable characters from Disney movies are these days? They're dull and unexceptional. They're too lifelike. Kids don't care about how well you rendered every hair of fur on a cat, or the time it took to make the reflections in its eyes shine just right; they would rather see its personality sparkle instead. Sorry, CGI artists. You should leave the characters to cartoonists.

From the utter depths of despair, to the soaring skies of euphoria, we toss back and forth between the two on the stormy seas of life. Today, my heart found itself plunged entirely into both.

No words are eloquent enough, strong enough, to describe the pain I feel knowing that I have caused someone else to hurt. No apology could ever suffice.

Of the people in my life who have come and gone, the exceptional ones fall into two categories. The first type of people possess incredible potential for greatness, but squander it, their lives spiral downward while time and potential waste away slowly. The second type, however.. they fight on. These people capture what little spark of meaning they find in their dreary existence, and they fan that spark into a blaze... transforming their world, reaching new perspectives, spreading warmth and life with every endeavor, reaching higher with every breath. They transcend.

My life these days only has room for the people capable of enriching my world by sharing theirs.

This song has been, and always will be, yours.

I've reached toward the sky, I've said my goodbyes
My heart's always with you now

Time for me to fly.

Please, no more words

My stories are up on facebook. Please read!

There are a ton more photos that I want to share, but they were deemed unfit for facebook for one reason or another. I'll try to post a few here.

One of the places Lance and I stopped at on our way up the coast was a reconstructed 19th century schoolhouse. The woman working there, probably out of sheer boredom from lack of visitors, chatted with us like crazy, telling us stories and being utterly fascinated by the ones I told her. The schoolhouse had desks with books from the era on each.. and I spent at least half an hour poring over the fascinating texts. Here are just a few (please click to enlarge!)

Rules for teachers, 1872

Excerpts from a 1906 geography book regarding climate

Millions of Cats