people don't change
they're always the same, you never knew
all along they were that way

I was happy.  Truly happy.

It was that brief kind of feeling, though, in which you know you don't have control over how long it lasts, and all you can do is ride the high until you come crashing back down.

How much of what you said was ever true?  Probably none of it.

I miss you terribly.

Thieves and liars rule the world.  Haven't you heard?

I wonder what you would think, Pastor, to know that one of your most attentive listeners was not a Christian at all.

What I was searching for all along was always inside of me.  I AM full.  To let "God" into your life is simply a process of giving yourself over to what you truly are, to working hard, every day, to reach it, to embracing the truly important aspects of life and letting the others go.

I mourned not having family.  I mourned being alone for Christmas.  But what I have now is a rare opportunity to discover who I truly am, to be myself, without having to be what anyone wants me to be.  I can sing extra loud in church, or sing the wrong words, and not care about who might be judging me.  I can stay out late and watch movies until 6 am and simply be myself.
I will have family again.  This brief period of solitude will pass.  But I've lived my whole life for other people, for pleasing them, for going out of my way to make their lives better.  Such a rare opportunity to live for myself, however brief, should not be regretted or missed.

Merry Christmas everyone.  I hope you find this season what you are looking for, as I have.

You begged me, sobbing, to listen.  Delivered to my ears in the form of communication to which you have devoted your life and soul: a song; its lyrics cut through me like shards of ice, piercing my heart and cutting through the fog of my mind.  I didn't want to believe you.  By the time I did, it was too late.
You were always right.  No one has ever so clearly seen, or so fully embraced the essence of who I am.  You tried to warn me.  And you stood by helplessly as you watched a piece of me die.

The tears we shed that night, together, were not in vain.

I'm ready to start searching.

There's only one person you can rely on.  Nobody knows what's best for you but you.

You had a chance for something great.  Something beautiful beyond your wildest dreams.  And you lost it.  But you didn't let it slip through your fingers.. no.. you crushed it in your hand and watched as the pieces fell to the floor..

Airports used to mean adventure, excitement, the promise of something new and grand.

Lately though my trips to the airport always seem to end in tears.

Goodbye my beautiful creature, my baby boy.  The most empathic, smartest cat I've ever had.  You took care of me when I was sick.  When I cried, you nuzzled away my tears.  When I was lonely, you held me and kept me warm.  I'll miss you terribly.

Thanks, Youtube, for a never ending stream of nonsense and the occasional priceless find.. like this little gem here.





And this is the news clip that they autotuned to make the video.. yes, it's real.

Where are you?

I love the Nub Tales series on Youtube.  Some are hilarious, some are alright.. then, there's this episode.  It's a little on the serious side, but I like the message at the end.. perhaps, being a healer, it's close to my heart.

My birthday was fantastic.  Much love to all of you who made it a little brighter.

This is my December, this is my time of the year.

Christmas music makes me homicidal.  Is that normal?

Years later, I still dream of you.  I'm not foolish enough to think that it's who you are that I dream of: it's who I remember you as.  The two are not the same.  And I'll never get to know who you are.

You'll forever be to me what little exists in my memory.

Now, if only the dreams would stop..

If life has taught me a lesson more than any other, it's that each situation should be handled calmly and with as much patience and pragmatic thinking as possible.  My biggest failures have come from the few cases when I have not given people time and an open ear.  I work every day to make sure that doesn't happen again.

I was given something beautiful and I destroyed it.  Just as I was destroyed by someone, just as he was destroyed by someone else, on and on it goes.

Some of the best music is not the kind you immediately like, but the kind that takes time and many listenings to grow on you.  The same goes for food, or art, or anything in life that one can develop a passion for.  It's so easy to gravitate toward the familiar.  Everyone has their "thing."  You can find something you like and stick with it.  But some of the most beautiful things in life are often so because they're new and unusual.  So how does one open up to something new?  Sounds and flavors that are foreign to our palette are normally immediately rejected.  The unusual sensations are distasteful at first, like eating a fresh, juicy strawberry for the first time after years of only having strawberry candy.  With the familiar, comforting rush of artificial sweeteners lacking, the real thing seems sub-par at first to your dulled senses.  However, that same flood of artificial flavor also desensitized your palette to the rich, complex true flavor of the real strawberry.  Cut out the candy and eat more strawberries, and with time, the flavor of the real fruit is incomparable.  The same process applies to music, with our minds flooded with the sugar-sweet cookie cutter songs we're used to hearing on the radio.  Keep an open mind, and what you may discover could be better than anything you've seen before.

when you reach the part
where the heartache comes, the hero would be you
but heroes often fail

I don't know where we went wrong
but the feeling's gone, and I just can't get it back

Live like it's the last night of your life

You ask me what I want.  You ask me if you have a place in my life.

I don't want a life in which the point is to live, to survive.
I want to thrive.

I want to wake up every day not knowing where I'll rest my head that night.  I want a life so full of new places and ideas, so rich with opportunities, that each step I take will resonate with the nervous excitement of each beat of my heart.  I want a life so intense that it has its own soundtrack.

When you ask me if you have a place in my life, I ask you this: can you handle the journey?

"What do you fear, my lady?"

"A cage.  To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire."

Now that life has calmed down slightly, I can reflect on my Halloween weekend...

Amazing food, great company.  Some much needed rest & relaxation.  Overall the best Halloween I've had in years.  Who knew that I moved to the city with the scariest haunted house in the country?

Thanks for making me face my inner wimp and doing the haunted house with me.. sorry for the claw marks in your sweatshirt (I wasn't scared, I was catching my balance..!)

When I was young, I used to take 45 minute showers.  I'd wake up extra early (5:15 AM, since high school started at 7:45), and my dad used to get really angry with me.

"You only have a square meter of surface area on your body, what can you possibly be doing in there for that long??"

I made up some excuse, saying that I had long hair that took extra long to wash ...

Years later, now that I live alone, I realize exactly what I was doing back then.  In high school, I had a busy life; 8 hours of school a day, work, family, clubs, and hours on the phone with many friends every night.  Life was hectic.  I was around people constantly.  It felt good to be active, but I needed time to recharge.  It was the same reason why I used to take long walks at midnight.

I simply needed time to think.

Some of my most important realizations and decisions happen after I've had time to let my mind wander and explore, uninterrupted and free.  Difficult problems, both the kind that I do for homework/research and the kind related to people and life in general, are best solved not by focusing on them, not by struggling and staring at a blank page for hours, but by getting up and walking away.  The importance of time set aside simply to think is so often overlooked..  And so few people take the time that they need to do so.  It's easy to do things without giving them plenty of thought, to act on impulse and pay little heed to the world and people around you.

Today, give yourself a little time to think.  Go for a walk.  Stare at the stars.  Clear your head and let your mind wander.  Breathe.

Don't be afraid to take that 45 minute shower; it might be the most important part of your day.

There is something I see in you
It might kill me, I want it to be true

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are

I'm screaming, "I love you so"
My thoughts you can't decode

I love this story.

"A National Geographic photographer recounts his 4 days filming Leopard seals.  During the time, one became concerned that he wasn’t eating penguins and tried to teach him how to do it.  When he didn’t catch any himself, the seal began feeding his camera with killed penguins."

How lucky we are to live in this time, in which a little piece of mystery is still left in this world.

From the thought-provoking to the unbelievable, there's still questions unanswered, a small part of the world yet undiscovered.

You broke my heart, truly.

Your words warm me like sunlight, gentle on my face, filtered through leaves and branches swaying in the wind.

I feel the hold on my heart weakening.  Am I becoming stronger, or simply beginning to not care?

New favorite license plate I saw a car sporting today...

OMGZMBZ

Oh noez?!?  Teh zombiez???
Squeeeee <3

Scarborough Fair - Aoi Tada
One of my favorite songs ever, redone for an anime soundtrack. Epic.

The saga continues....

The cycle of love exists at the heart of processes essential to some of the greatest accomplishments and most profound realizations, awakenings, and endeavors.  Love shapes us and drives us to shape the world around us. However, the true shaping begins after the initial feelings of ignorant bliss.

Bliss is complacency.  Bliss is becoming soft and useless.  Bliss is forgetting to learn and grow because love makes you too content with who you are.  Bliss is sitting there watching movies halfway through a second box of chocolates, too comfortable to move, then wondering the next day why your favorite pair of jeans fits tighter than you remember.  Bliss is stepping on the scale and realizing you put on a few extra pounds because 4 hour long phone conversations are your new replacement for exercise.

Thankfully, bliss is temporary.  Reality comes snapping at your heels, forcing you to wake up, open your eyes, and catch a glimpse around you just before the world goes red in a bloom of pain.

Because, what it comes down to, is that pain is the answer.  Pain is the heart-wrenching realization that love is fleeting, that sweet nothings are empty, that truly, nobody is there to catch you when you fall.  Pain keeps you alert and focused.  Pain is the restlessness that keeps you moving.  Pain is the sensation shooting through your body and heart when you stumble and fall, and pain is the feeling of your legs picking you up, forcing you on, despite every ounce of you wishing you could have stayed down.  Pain is the pounding of the hard concrete under your feet as you move faster, feeling your strength return slowly, feeling muscles rebuild, feeling your worries and tension work themselves out of your body.  Pain is the crisp air in your lungs escaping in sharp breaths as you push yourself through one more lap.

When love lifts you up then drops you, pain is there to rebuild you from the inside out.  The act of creation through destruction.

Tonight, I embrace the sensation.

Does anyone else remember the old short cartoons from Ren and Stimpy?  The log song is forever stuck in my memory....

The answers are everywhere if you just ask the right questions.

I had a post written for someone here, then I realized that the words were too important, too personal for any eyes but theirs.

I will simply say this:

Salvation comes sometimes from the place you would not think to look for, but it was the place you should have gone to all along.

Give me your hand, but realize
I just want to say goodbye

Curse this ailment of the mind, this need to care for others.

Look at you all, see the love there that's sleeping
while my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake, we must surely be learning
still my guitar gently weeps.

When I purchase engineering supplies, I find myself passing the art section, then lingering, my aching fingers tracing lovingly over the charcoal and pencils, caressing the blank paper with my hands and my thoughts.

Sometimes, I despair; I ask myself why I pursued engineering instead of art.

Immediately, I remind myself that I, in fact, did pursue art, in a subtly different way, yet exactly satisfying the same desires to see, shape, create, perfect.  A blank page is not unlike an unsolved problem; foreign and familiar at once, the untapped potential of the raw materials and raw ideas, whispers of basic shapes and fundamental concepts beckoning, begging to be connected, filled, fulfilled.

Seek not the ends; seek the means, the process that brings you joy, for therein lies true happiness.

"If you fall, I'll catch you," you whispered softly in my ear, "you can trust me."
I held my breath, unsure, then reluctantly closed my eyes.
"I trust you," I whispered at last, then let myself go, falling back...
...falling, then grasping, suddenly surprised by the unexpected nothingness.

We were each broken, in turn
A piece of soul severed and scattered carelessly
Leaving you without morals
Leaving me without trust
Just two more lost to the madness of the world

It leaves a mark on a person

When you have seen hell

But you can call me friend
If I can call you ally
Perhaps we can take this world, together

The most important person in your world is you.

Can't sleep :(  Miss you Christophe, come back soon!

Grad school is amazing sometimes.

Last week I gave a presentation on a group project for my Advanced Thermodynamics class.  It was a small project, but our group looked like it put in 10x as much effort as anyone else, mostly due to my info-packed slide and the 5 minutes I spent explaining it.  After the class, I was shocked when I had several people come up to me, shake my hand, and thank me for the presentation.  Now, here it is a week later, and I still have people coming up to me and telling me what an amazing job I did.. only because they are grad students who are in engineering because they adore the subject, and seeing someone put that much work into something they are that passionate about moved them to the point that they needed to tell me so.

Anytime people devote themselves so entirely to something they have a passion for, I am in awe.

FFXIV: The newest trailer...



Yeah, it looks awesome.  Unfortunately only about 10 seconds of the trailer is actual gameplay, the rest is just CGI.  The game will still probably suck.  I have to admit, though, that I miss Japanese games.  There's an air of.. majesty about them.  Hopefully they will put Japanese and North American players together again, because that was one of my favorite parts of FFXI: the interaction with the Japanese players.  They generally take more time to say things, in a much more polite and respectful way.. sometimes I get sick of "LF1M DPS PST" spam.  They also valued skills and effort far more than their American counterparts.  Will I get sucked into a new game as I was before?  Doubtful.  But the trailer is still fun to see, and makes me a little more excited..

Well-behaved women seldom make history.

Classes started again, and it's been one rough first week.  I slept maybe 8 hours total the whole week, and unlike you Lance, I'm a wimp without sleep.  I just can't function.  Just one class has already given me 2 tests, 3 projects, and 2 homeworks.  The surgery mid-week didn't help things.. and neither does the roller coaster emotions.  I want to thank my friends for being amazing and taking care of me when I need them most.....

"You are the reason I'm here," I confessed to him.  "All you had to do was ask.  I've respected you for so long, and I love the way you lead.. I knew that I wanted to follow you.  And when you did ask, there was no hesitation.  I knew I'd found a home.  How can you leave me, when you're the reason I'm here?"

And he said, "I brought you here and showed you the way.  Now I'll let you fly with your own wings.  Now, I'll go save someone else, somewhere else."

"But there's so much more we have left to do," I cried.  "I can't find my way on my own."

"I know you can.  You just need me to leave so you can realize it."


Where I lead you cannot follow.

Meanwhile, in the little town of Asbestos, Québec, there is a particular street where all of the coolest stuff goes down...

Thank you Christophe for finding my street, for going back the next night for pics, and for making me feel special yet again :)

Read it and weep, scrubs.  My sparkly new work computer in all its glory.  Yes, that's 2, count 'em, 2 quad core processors.  24 gigs of ram.  Windows 7 64 bit.  Oh, how it glistens.  /licks the screen..

Best part?  It was free.  <3 my advisor :D :D :D

I still say a prayer every time I see an ambulance go by, just as you taught me many years ago.  Not because I think anyone is listening, but because positive thoughts, indirectly, pass from one person to the next and make the world a little brighter...

My latest obsession: "Flower" for the PS3.  Gorgeous graphics, insanely soothing soundtrack, and simple but relaxing gameplay.  Feels great after wiping to heroic Halion for 3 hours.  Thank you Nick, as always, for knowing how to rejuvenate the soul...

You would be proud.  I've made a life for myself here.  I've learned the streets and the mountains, the buildings and the people.  I've learned the ebb and flow of the seasons.  I've been working hard.  Someday, when you care enough to look, maybe you'll see it.

"A happy life is one which is in accordance with its own nature."

You have a pure heart, and I don't.  That's why I never deserved you.

Into the nothing, faded and weary
I won't leave and let you fall behind

Deleted.

Sometimes the most beautiful aspects of a relationship are the problems that get resolved.

Do you remember? Back before we were the best, before everyone knew our names? Back when the world was new and exciting, when we bought the full level 7 leather set from the vendor just because it all matched, when we got our first piece of artifact?

This video makes me smile, and right now, I think we can all use a little of that. Remember the days before loot mattered, when you were just happy to do Dynamis, or raid for the first time, before you knew about best in slot or heroic tier tokens or legendaries.

Forever a Nub

You see it?
The gold star?

It's actually a nebula wrapped around
a dying star. That's what makes it look gold.
The Mayans called it Xibalba.

It was their underworld.
The place the dead souls go to be reborn.

Someday soon it will explode, die,
and give birth to new stars.

How amazing that the Mayans chose
a dying star to represent their underworld.
Of all the healthy points of light in the sky,
how did they find one that was dying?

               -- The Fountain

I've been to Hollywood
I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean
for a heart of gold

Now for some female psychology.

Example conversation from about 10 minutes ago in the laundry room of my apartment...


Her: "You're awfully dressed up for doing laundry!"
(Translation: "That guy who held open the door for you was checking you out.  Great, now you're going to make the rest of us be subjected to unrealistically high expectations, and I can't wear my comfy workout clothes to the laundry room anymore.")

Me: *laughs* "Oh, it was the last clean dress I had!"
(Translation: "I needed an excuse to wear this dress, it's been sitting in my closet for ages!  Please don't hate me :( !!)

Her: "Oh, that's so funny!"
(Translation: "Die in a fire bi%$# kthx")


I hope that conversation shed some light on the complex and scary world of the female mind.
(Please don't hate me seriously!  I just wanted to look cute today :( !!!!!)

One deafening, rolling clap of thunder.  The good kind that make your windows shake and the sound resonate in your chest.  Promptly followed by loud cheers from all throughout the building.  The very first thunderstorm of the season, and I was only one of a dozen people in my apartment building who ran outside to watch...

"..like the deserts miss the rain."

Learning to care for someone again also involves learning restraint. 

Of course you still love me.  I represent everything you yearn for.. hope, spirit, and most importantly, freedom.

Monogamy is terrifying.  Maybe not at first, when you're falling in love, when you're excited about what the future holds.  Maybe not during the afterglow of marriage.  But at some point, it sinks in.. you're going to be with the same person, your one and only, for the rest of your life.  The responsibilities begin to pile up, and between the bills, the kids, the mortgage and the job, your relationship is strained.  Then you begin to wonder, did you make the right choice?  You start to think of all the great people who have been in your life.. you think about ex's, and why you broke up, and if perhaps they had been right for you after all.  You start to question yourself.

Yeah, it's normal.  It happens to just about everyone.  The answer is simple. 

You can't ever rely on just one person for everything you need.  Ever.

Here's what you should do.  Get together as many friends as you can.  Go do something random and fun: go see a movie, ride roller coasters, eat out, or anything you can think of.  Then, go home to someone's place and drink yourself into a stupor until you're hugging everyone and telling them how much you love them.  Yes, that drunk.  Trust me.  And no, don't bring the wife.  She can do without you for one night.

The result?  You get some time away with other people who care about you.  You'll go back to your wife refreshed and, most importantly, not feeling like you're lacking something.  Because, when you crave love, you look for it in the wrong places.

I hope my advice helps you.  Just remember you're not alone, and I'll be here if you need me.

As for the rest of us, please.. just reach out and love a little more.  Love freely and openly.  There's too much pain and hurt in the world, and not enough love to go around..

I called the vet to see if I could pick up Caspian yesterday, and this was the vet's response..
"Oh, he's awake.. yes, he's doing fine, but you can't get him just yet.. he's still, uh.. seeing things that aren't there."

Awwwwwwwwwww....... drug induced halucinogenic kitteh!!!  /lubz /glomp

So, here's the big question.. who's more traumatized by the whole ordeal: me or Caspian?

And the answer is.. Lilu!

Apparently cat pecking order dictates that she's entitled to be a megabitch to other cats when they've been through something rough, like vet surgery.  So she spent the entire night walking up to him, shaking, growling, then running off and hiding.  Then walking back over, shaking and growling again.  And since Caspian stayed on my bed most of the night, I got to listen to this for hours.  I hope you proved your point Lilu, because none of us slept the whole night...

My cat Caspian had to get a tooth pulled this morning at 8am.  Which was extremely painful, considering my normal bedtime is around 5am.  Oh, and I guess my cat's tooth getting pulled must hurt too.  Lulz~

How you know you're working in a science field.

1) The titles to figures you create go on for paragraphs that are bigger than the figures themselves.

"'20th Century North American monsoon summer precipitation ratio ensemble - Run 1'

'Hmm.  That doesn't cover it, what about..'

'20th Century A1B model scenario North American monsoon summer precipitation ratio averaged from 1979-2000 ensemble scatterplot - Run 1'

'Nope, still doesn't cover it..'

'20th Century A1B model scenario North American monsoon ratio of average summer to average total precipitation taken over a 21 year mean between 1979-2000 for a 24 climate model ensemble scatter plotted with comparison to observation - Run 1'

2 hours and 17 paragraphs later... 'HEY!  This would make a great paper!'"

Once, I was the light in the darkness, shining brightly, guiding you on your path.  A fire that burned only for you.  Always one step behind you, two steps ahead, a quiet companion on your journey, reckless and free.

Now, I can't be the light in your darkness.  I'm no longer free.  Let me go... let me blow into the wind.  Once I've been swept around the world, I will return.

Forgive me, you've left me speechless.  When I have the words to express, and I'm ready to share, you'll be the first to know.

Classic beauty: You totally would have been hot, had you been born 80 years ago..

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-june-16-2010/an-energy-independent-future


This clip from the Daily Show struck me; it's about the past and future of the US moving away from oil dependency and toward alternative energies, the subject that started me on my Ph.D.  Plus, it's the Daily Show, which makes it 8 minutes worth of epic awesomeness.

and then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
you will consume me, but I can't walk away

Don't ask me to change; would you still love me the same if I was anything but that which I am?

Lilu makes her first movie debut (thanks for the tip Nick)!  That explains where she's been going at night..

Actually, the whole reason we got a Russian Blue to begin with was the original Cats & Dogs: "the Russian" was the best part of the movie.  Now a little girl Russian Blue is one of the main characters.  Yeahhh... might have to see it just for that.

Never have I wanted so strongly to be whole again, to deserve and appreciate what's in front of me, than I do right now.

At one time, conversation could be considered a rich and complex form of communication, perhaps celebrated as an art; a medium through which the wise and clever could impress one another, in a time when books and songs were of epic length and grandeur which is now unimagineable.  Since then the art has slowly died, replaced instead with a need for that which is fast and simple and at pace with today's busy world.  A form of art now out of place, unneeded, forgotten.

This post mourns the loss of things precious and beautiful... lost not through a glorious, dramatic death, honored and cherished and missed; instead, things lost as they faded away, forgotten, lost simply because they no longer have a place in this world.

Hardened, strengthened, humbled by the crashing waves and swirling torrents beating down, tugging relentlessly, dragging me under, crushing the breath from my lungs and life from my body, I grasp desperately as I'm pulled under the current.  I search for something to hold onto, something to steady me in the tide; my hands close upon something.. but as I grip, I feel it crumble in my fingers, and once again I'm surrounded, pressed on all sides again by the cold darkness.

For Leron.

Here's to rediscovering paths lost and dreams forgotten.  Hard to believe a year passed us by already.. it hasn't been easy for any of us.  Just know you're never, ever alone.

What a feeling. The winning shot in the last few seconds of the final quarter. Years of learning, months of practice, honed skills and a rush of adrenaline, all culminating in a few seconds of anticipation, the deep breath, then the realization that it's over. The feeling of accomplishment, of having brought your own unique abilities to a group as talented and dedicated as you. Knowing that it was all riding on you at the last moment. Knowing that you didn't let them down. Knowing that you were a part of something special, something great, something few people get the privilege of experiencing.

Why was I not surprised as I watched, and realized that I had felt the same thing.

I'd do anything for a smile
Holding you 'til our time is done

I watched an old series a long time ago, and one particular scene always stuck with me.

A woman gave a speech, and in it she explained how her language does not have a word for "goodbye".  Instead, her people, in parting, use the expression "until next we meet".  Because, even if it's the last time they will ever be with that person, they look forward to seeing them, perhaps in the afterlife.

I don't know why, but since then I've always made it a point to never say goodbye.

When everybody loves you
You can never be lonely

My fortune cookie:
Courage comes through suffering.


My brief glimmer of happiness is already over.  Too short.  But worth the wait.  Someday, I'll find a real home.

There's something incredible about reaching a new level with someone.  When two people intelligent enough and intuitive enough collide, the result is.. indescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced it.  When you have so much respect for someone's skills, and they have so much respect for yours, that you can interact on a level above and beyond the norm.  When conversation becomes a dance between what is said and what's implied, and words are tools for both revealing and hiding, catching the other off guard, testing them, saying too much and not enough at the same time.  The interaction is breathtaking and dangerously delicious.

Two finals down, one to go.  The first, I barely squeaked by with, and only from serious help from an incredible friend.  Whether it was charity, or pity, or sheer enjoyment at sharing his world with someone else.  Thank you...

Home comes at the strangest times from the places you'd never think.  Had I always known, somehow?  It's everything I pictured and more.  Please, let it last as long as it can.

This picture deserved posting.  I can't wait for the desert storm season.

What causes a cloud to form?  Most people could tell you that a cloud is water condensed in air.  A simple answer for a simple question.  But that answer doesn't cover it.  What actually causes the process?  Water condenses on suspended particles of dirt or dust in the atmosphere, with favorable humidity and pressure conditions.  But does that answer even do the process justice?  Different kinds of clouds form at different altitudes from entirely different weather systems and conditions.  Now you've entered meteorology.  One step in any direction opens completely new doors: the chemical reactions involved in cloud formation and chemical composition are based in chemistry; the ability for earth's atmosphere to be suitable for clouds that causes the entire process is based in geology; the hydrological processes that govern the water cycle from ground to air are based in fluid mechanics.  And on.  And on.  And soon you realize, a simple question no longer has a simple answer.
The amount of knowledge needed to completely understand the universe is as vast as the universe itself.

I'll be there waiting

Reality check: reading my blog does not make you an expert on my life.  It's just something I tell my stories to when the cats get bored of listening.  Lulz~

/end rant

Random story for the day.. years ago I was at the beach with a friend, and a scruffy wrinkled homeless looking old guy walks by us.. and as he passes by he stares at me, then we hear him mutter.. "too white, too white.. you need to get a tan.."
Flash forward 10 years, I'm at a gas station filling up my car, when I hear a guy from behind me yell, "Dayum girl you PALE!  Where you from?"  He looks at my license plate.. "CALI??!!  Damn why so pale??"..

Ok.  So.  Two things I don't get.
1) Is it just me?  Or do people go up to strangers all the time and comment on their lack of skin pigment?  I'm not the only white girl on the planet.. and I'm pretty sure people don't normally get hassled like this..  Which brings me to..
2) What evokes comment from perfect strangers?  Do people think I have more potential, and they need to give me a heads up?  Or do they think I'm beyond hope and feel like giving me a hard time?  I'm guessing the former, since I still get hit on all the time.  But getting called pale isn't the only random comment I get from strangers.  I just don't get it.

/afk giving myself skin cancer

Someone told me once that you're lucky to find even one person your whole life who you truly love.  Some go their lives never knowing.  To find something great, no matter how fleeting, is worth the time in between.

That's why this song will always have meaning.  It's also why I find myself inexorably drawn to the sound of someone playing an acoustic guitar.

The silence is the alternative to causing even more hurt.

Recently discovered youtube vids that make me smile.

Tasty cheerleader nomnom

Ninja cat

OMG cat

~

I believe you when you say you'll never hurt me.

I've been applying to fellowships to fund my research, and one in particular sounded pretty interesting.  It was a program that gave grad students time in the classroom with elementary school kids for a year.  Last week I had the interview, and the two program managers were thrilled.. told me I was a "perfect fit" for the fellowship.  Then.. they told me I'd have to be on campus at the elementary school 2 days a week, assisting in teaching classes.  Way more than my advisor and I had thought.  And since he wants me submitting a paper on my research by December, I had to decline the offer.... it still felt good to know they wanted me bad for the position.

From the last person I'd expect, I had sort of an eye opener this week.  I watched someone grow up.  The young guy I went on a few dates with last year told me he's been having a hard time with school and started realizing his limits.  Coming from someone normally so arrogant was sort of surprising.  And he felt it was important enough to tell me about it.  I think he's still trying to make up for how he treated me.  Or maybe, he sees how much better of a person you can be by understanding your limits and being able to relate to others.

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong."

This El Nino season has been disappointingly dry.. for all the hype I was hoping for some torrential downpours.  Alas, except for one storm system, we've seen nothing.  At least I have the gorgeous monsoon season to look forward to.  Lightning show in the desert, anyone?

Forgive me for what I've done.. for what I'm about to do.

It's been a long 9 months.  How much has changed.  Blind unwavering confidence replaced with a need to survive at all costs, at once growing and decaying, one step back and two steps forward.  In the right direction.  Hopefully.

This time of year makes me yearn for the beautiful spring storms I left behind.

This song will always be driving with you at 90 miles an hour; our destination, the horizon; eyes and minds open; chasing flickers of light in the inky black rush of wind and rain as we followed the storms.

My first spring in Arizona.  There's nothing like a warm desert breeze picking up the scent of orange blossoms and jasmine to make you feel at home...

I remember black skies, the lightning all around me
I remember each flash as time began to blur
like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
and your voice was all I heard

so give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

There's nothing like old friends and new perspectives.  My old boss from my internship was in town for a Polka band he loves, and while we were at lunch, good simple conversation took a profound turn.  There can never be world peace, he says, because the happiest people in the world are Polka people, and even they can't get along with each other.  I said, why not look at it a different way?
We will have world peace when the Polka people of the world can set aside their differences and focus instead on their love of the music.

Most random pickup line ever.

"Hey.. do you ride horses?"

Cats hate the smell of citrus: oranges are used in cat repellent, etc.  But.... as usual, someone forgot to tell Caspian how cats are *supposed* to be.....

I was told once that in every mile of sand, there is a grain from every other mile of sand on the planet.


"I did what I set out to do. I said all I wanted to say. Somehow, I knew that I was needed, and I was there for you. Our worlds met for a brief time once again. Now you'll be alright, and so will I.
Farewell again, my friend. If you need me I'll be there."


Like sand in your palm.. the tighter you grasp, the more I slip through your fingers.
But.. if you let me blow into the wind... once I've swept across the world, I will return.

~~~~~~

My little wind rider cub... Kuna has a new friend now.  He needs a name, any ideas?

For old time's sake.  When lack of sleep and good conversation meet...

If I ever needed help, it's now.  I hit the halfway point and I'm slipping.  This might be the hardest part, but if I can get through this, I can make it.  I hope.

Funny how life seems to get complicated in every way, all at once.

Maybe.. you're gonna be the one that saves me..~

Luck is when preparation and opportunity meet.
             ---a wise friend

My best friend from high school texted me today: she's stuck in the Phoenix airport while her flight is delayed.  I asked where she's headed, and here was her response.. "to the tsunami."  A Hawaii vacation, she says.  While the Kalpana region is under severe tsunami warning.  She offered to hide me in her bag and bring me along.  My answer?  Hell yeah......... sounds like my kind of adventure.

A break for the soul.  Today I drove until I found mountains, until I found snow topped glistening points in the horizon, then I drove some more.  Glimmers of memory guided my way toward the answers I seek, of a question unknown.  Your words rang clear in my mind; the initial shock is over, now I'm just trying to adjust.

I realized that was the first Valentine's Day that I've spent single in a very long time.  Like, this long.  As part of striving to remember the kind of person I was before I lived for others, I've been looking for things I miss, like old music videos I used to watch that took clips from anime's and put them to songs.  Here's an old one I loved.

No sleep, and two projects due today, neither finished.  Thankfully my advisor cancelled my meeting tomorrow, so I might actually catch up on some relaxation.  It feels good to be pushed to my limits again.

Growing up is hearing a song you know by heart, one you've been listening to for years, and finally understanding it for the first time, because you have experienced exactly what the song is about.

Not the one you'll keep, but the one you'll never forget.

I've been rereading the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and last night as I started the third book, a quote from the preface caught my eye...

"For in the end it is Middle-earth and its dwellers that we love, not Tolkein's considerable gifts in showing it to us. I said once that the world he charts was there long before him, and I still believe it. He is a great enough magician to tap our most common nightmares, daydreams and twilight fancies, but he never invented them either; he found them a place to live, a green alternative to each day's madness here in a poisoned world. We are raised to honor all the wrong explorers and discoverers- thieves planting flags, murderers carrying crosses. Let us at last praise the colonizers of dreams."

Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you.

Two summers ago when I did my internship at an aerospace company, I had one of those pivotal eye-opening moments.  One of the guys I worked with was talking about daisy cutters and how cool they are when they explode and kill everything.. and as I'm sitting there listening to him gush over the awesome death and destruction.. I realized I didn't want to devote my life to something I didn't feel good about.  I had every opportunity to come back to that company after I got my degree, and it would have been the smarter choice, with a great salary and plenty of people watching out for me and a shoo-in for a management position... but I picked the life of a starving grad student instead.  Sometimes you have to choose something based on what is most important to you, and when things get rough, you can hold onto that decision and remember why.

As I walked through the palm trees today, listening to the cool desert breeze whisper by, I was reminded of my decision and my hope that I'm pursuing something I can feel proud of.

Apparently, the more someone hurts you, it's a sign that they care that much and were also hurt that deeply. 

The NASA proposal is finished.  Ahh, the joys of being at the bottom rung of academia.  My advisor told me that my proposal was well-written, then he proceeded to rewrite the entire thing.  At least he wrote a glowing letter of recommendation for me.  My confidence isn't completely dashed.  Sigh~

Wisps of smoke like tendrils curling around a finger of light desperately clawing its way into the dim room.  Must and musk and disuse choking the stale air. Time, endless, days dragging on sickeningly slow, yet running out, each moment important, begging for meaning, then lost. Grasping firmly onto thoughts and memories of sense of self long gone, unused, decaying and withering.
Struggling, the tiny beam of light flickers, then dims. Darkness and dark thoughts becoming one again.

I just had a very, very old friend get in touch with me.  She was my best friend in 4th grade, then she moved across the country and I never saw her again.  For some reason, I felt compelled to find her a few months back but couldn't.. then I got a message from her a few days ago.. crazy, out of the blue. 

 Then she asked me.. what have you been up to for the last 15 years?

...

Funny how all it takes is an old friend and a simple question to make you think hard about what you've done with your life.

Someday I'll be worth keeping promises to.

Happiness is not a place; it's not a goal to be reached after a hard struggle, nor the reward for a difficult life. It's the feeling of being part of something, pushing forward, learning, growing, facing new challenges and seeing them through.  Happiness is the struggle itself.

The only flaw in science is the scientist.

Every day I'm a little more proud of who you have become: an indirect affirmation of everything you strived for, everything I hoped for; years coming, but earned not a moment too soon.  I realize that I finally deserve what you gave me now that it can no longer be mine.

Halfway through writing my NASA proposal today, I went back and added my name and title at the top of the paper.  Beneath that I wrote the department and school, which at Arizona State is the School of Mechanical, Aerospace, Chemical, and Materials Engineering.  My mind already numbed by academia and its unnecessary use of acronyms to describe everything (like WoW, but worse), I began thinking about the name... the department is already abreviated to MACME, which people pronounce mack-me.  But, when you're talking about the school, it becomes............ SMACME!  Get it??  Smack-me?  Ahahahahaha..........

Back to work.  Sigh.

One of the worst mistakes I ever made in life was limiting myself to only a few people to talk to.  For a long time, especially after high school when my life was flipped upside-down, I shut myself off from many good people.  Now that they're back in my life, along with more amazing people I've met along the way, I realize how important it is to have that variety of people to talk to.  You guys keep my life fresh and interesting- thanks for being so awesome.

My Christmas was unorthodox but somehow turned out great.  My mom sent me my own tree, along with a bucketful of MeeperZ to keep me company.

Then I spent a few days in Cali at Meeper factory designing a few of my own, with my own touch... and naturally Lilu knocked one down before I could even take the shot.

I admit I have neglected a side of me that was more important than I realize.  Even something as simple as Meeper-making was so soothing and helped me channel a lot of what I've been feeling.

As for the rest of my vacation, until I figure out how to get the pics off my phone, I have none to post unfortunately.  Thank you for helping me salvage my trip.  It was exactly what I needed.~

Solitude returns ungently, not as a breeze but as a swell, unrelenting, cold and swift, washing away any traces of warmth and comfort.

The answers I sought came without words.  Silence told more than intended and less than desired, yet said just enough.

We are capable of doing incredible things when we must.  If life slows for a moment, we can marvel at all we accomplished, not because we are strong, but because we had no choice.  The strength comes after the long climb, from reaching our limits and pushing ourselves just one more step.

The least likely places sometimes provide the most solace.