"You have been added to the following group:"

Wait.. what? 10 year high school reunion, wtf?

Dear time, where did you go? Love, Eshae..

I promised you that I would save your beautiful gift for a special occasion. Tonight certainly qualifies as such. Here's a toast; to the rich, colorful minds of the incredible people with whom we may cross paths on this journey of ours.

.... Damn, he stole my idea. Now I'll need a new platform for when I run for president.

Welcome back, scrublings! It's painting tutorial time! Where were we.

Ah, yes. Last week, in a coffee-induced stupor, I made the horrible mistake of going over the horizon with paint to get a brighter effect.
Why was it a horrible mistake? Because I used watercolors. And when the paint dried, it cracked and flaked and looked awful. In a state of panic, I scratched the paint off the canvas.. and left the surface completely unable to hold pastels. Tragedy.
Fortunately, they make cool stuff which you can paint on a surface to give it a texture suitable for holding pastel pigment. Art supply stores are like candy shops for me; each trip is an adventure filled with delight and rainbows and happiness. Really expensive happiness.

So one week and hours of frustration later, I completely reworked the colors and ended up with this. I'm leaving the images at their original size so you can see extra detail if you wish..

Now the terrifying part begins. Painting over the pastels with acrylic paints...... One mistake ruins the whole painting. Pfft, easysauce.

... Alright, admittedly, it scared the hell out of me.
I included a closeup of the sky so you can see how I took some creative liberties with the colors and details and enhanced the original..

Easily the most difficult part was painting the tree. I figured out the proper technique pretty quickly, thankfully. All you need to do is think like a tree.
... No, seriously! Think about it; the way a tree branch grows is in segments, and each segment on a branch is the same width through its length. As long as you paint a branch in segments, with long, sweeping strokes, the process goes rather quickly, and surprisingly, without any horrible mishaps this time.

Just a few final touches....

Et voilà, c'est fini! Easy, right? I hope my tutorial was useful. Might try sleeping for a change, now. Love ya, bai~

Unfiltered, unbridled, unabated passion, unabashedly unveiled, undoubtedly unparalleled.

You said it, Success Kid meme. Leaving for Seattle, be back in a few days. Love you all.

I posted this song on youtube just to share it with a friend. That the world was lacking access to this stunning piece was a travesty I couldn't allow. I used to play this song back in the days of working for KCLU jazz radio, and it'll always be one of my favorites. Listen to it before youtube takes it down!

Let it be known that the iPhone is far more durable than it looks. Mine took a swim and lived to tell the tale.. the only damage seems to be that the phone thinks it's permanently connected to a docking station, so it won't play most sounds on the speaker unless the headphones are connected. Very strange.

My trip to Quebec seems to have been as much of a hindrance to learning French as it was a help. My professor is impressed with my pronunciation, but she says that I have a Québécoise accent! Argh. Fake frenchies strike again. Apparently I didn't leave the country without at least getting partially french-fried...

The good news is that I think I have perfected my recipe for tarte au sirop d'érable :)

And my weekend of hell was brightened by a care package from mon cher qui est le meilleur...

Amazingly delicious throat soothing tea, bath fizzies, and my very own sore throat bacterium <3

I sought solitude this weekend after a humbling realization of what my life has been lacking in an attempt to figure out how to get it back. Between blaring music and comfort food, I holed myself up in my apartment with the intention of talking to no one to help start my long painful process of "self-rediscovery." Thanks to a phone mishap and my contraction of the worst cold/strep/flu/whateverthehellthisis I've ever had, solitude was unfortunately much easier to find.. And yet I'm still no closer to an answer than I was before. 4 days of nonstop coughing and fever has worn me down, and I feel my resolve beginning to crack. I feel lost. Was solitude really the answer to my questions, or can I turn to the people who care about me for help? Just this once, I wish I didn't have to do it alone anymore...

Tutorial for making art stuff

by, Eshae

Step 1. The proper setup

I'm a professional, so I don't expect you to have stuff nearly as cool as mine (see the graphing calculator? Yeah. You're jealous.). However, make do with what you have, and get extra materials ahead of time. Good art is good preparation, as my art teacher used to say. As an artist, your most important tool is, of course, your drug of choice. Today, mine is coffee. Your second most important tool is music. Play it loud enough that it's damaging your eardrum, but not so loud that it causes your canvas to vibrate, as that might detract from the artistic process.

Step 2. Apply your medium lovingly to the canvas

Yes, lovingly. Trust me, the canvas can tell. Show your medium the proper respect. Today I'm using pastels, applied first with a dry wash using cotton balls, then with my fingers.

The dry wash will come out much lighter than intended; that's ok, because it's just a base color for one of many, many layers which will be applied.

As my art teacher used to say, the process of shading is extremely important. Starting from the darkest regions of the canvas, work your way to the lightest to gradually build color. Shading properly, he would say, is the key to good technique. Always shade from dark to light.

.... or was it light to dark? I could never remember. That teacher was a jerk anyway.

Step 3. F#&k step 2

You know what? Art is much better when you're angry. Let go.

Oh God I'm bleeding

Step 4. Forget everything else, including bodily functions

I tried to get up and eat at some point, but the canvas kept begging for more. Goddamn needy bitch. It's alright though, because hunger actually helps the process. Ever wonder why we're called "starving artists"? It's not (only) because we're paid mere pittance. It's actually a choice. Hunger makes us bitter and angsty; quite beneficial for art. I'm too cool to eat. Ooh, so artistic.

That's all for today. Apparently the Day Star only shines during the day (who knew?!), and blending colors/shading by artificial light sucks. See you tomorrow.

Love, Eshae

I felt it then, burning within me.. a fire, untamed, wrought into melody as it poured from my fingertips, consuming all in its path.. beautiful, in spite of, or even because of, its inherently destructive existence..

How I long for my days of passion, when love, and hate, flowed freely.. when instinct overpowered reason.. when I cared enough to fight, to win, to succumb to the wild desire and unquenchable thirst which drove my heart and soul to madness.

him: "So how are you doing?"
me: "Pretty good, actually. Can't complain."
him: "Seriously, how are you doing?"
me: "I'm fine! Things are going well!"
him: "No, really...... how are you doing?"
me: "Well, I guess I've been pretty worried about my research..."
*10 minute conversation about the bottomless pit of sadness that is grad school*
him: "Alright, so really. How are you doing?"
me: "............... how did you know...?"
him: "I always know."

God I love you. I don't tell you that nearly enough. This is why you're my best friend.

Eyes and mind open, unafraid.
To whatever end may come.

"I see no need to take me home
I'm old enough to face the dawn.
Just call me angel of the morning
Just touch my cheek before you leave me.."

Just call me your in-between girl. I'll fix your broken heart. I'll wipe away your tears. I'll build you back up after the world breaks you down. I'll take your world of darkness and let in the light, illuminating the beauty which you've never before seen, teaching you how to love and be loved. And just when your wings have mended, I'll open the door and watch you fly away, renewed, strong, and ready to make another girl happy.

"I dreamed of you last night. You were afraid, and I held you safe in my arms.

You must be about 12 now, on the cusp of womanhood, about to embark on a journey to discover yourself. Older and wiser perhaps. I imagine you to have thoughts and ideas of your own, perhaps a wild streak, perhaps a love and zest for life just hinted at when you were younger, now blossoming as you age.

But I can only imagine. In my dreams, in the last fragments of your existence that I possess, you'll always be a child.. frozen in time in the pages of my memory."


Nearly a year has passed since I wrote this post. Would I have believed, back then, that now you would walk.. no.. plunge back into my life? Would I have believed that talking to you would be so easy? Certainly you are light years beyond the shy, quiet girl that I was at 13. And I couldn't be more proud.

Perhaps you're back in my life at exactly the right time. I'm at the point now that I am proud of my choices and the life I live. But I still have a long way to go and plenty of lessons to learn.. Maybe this time, I won't have to do it alone. And you could be exactly what I need right now. What better way to stay focused and make the right choices than to have someone following your example. From this moment on, I have something more to live for. From this moment on, I live for you.

I had something incredible happen on New Years. For those of you who know my story, you will understand just what it means to me.

My sister sent me a message..

Three days ago, I wondered if I'd ever see you again. Now, I'm texting you about sleepovers and shopping and pillow pets. It's like the last 5 years never happened. I'm ready to have a family again.. I hope I'll make you proud to call me your big sister.