Taking down the photographs one by one, mementos of all that I've lost.. all that was once warm and safe, now cold.

My eyes turned away from the angry sun retreating towards the horizon. A steady, hot breeze swept my hair across my face. Still somewhat unsettled, I cast my gaze around this place which just minutes before had been only a fragment of a distant memory, a memory I chased for nearly 10 years and across a thousand miles. And yet I had found not a whisper of what I had hoped to find.

But what exactly had I hoped for? Meaning? Reassurance? Some kind of connection to all that which I've lost? 

Like so many hopeful treasure hunters before me who had stood before those same mountains, I searched and found nothing. 

And yet, while I feel a crushing weight in my heart, it comes not from the disappointment of walking away from these mountains empty-handed; rather, I instead mourn the coming of the end of my quest. The idea of imagined gold at the end of the rainbow is a far more alluring prospect knowing that the end of the rainbow will never be found. I reached the end of my rainbow, and upon discovering nothing, I regretted for a moment ever undertaking this quest; for the idea of the gold gave me hope, and hope gave me a reason for living. But that regret faded quickly. The pursuit of my imagined treasure led me to a wealth of other riches along the way. And even though this quest ends unsuccessful, I certainly do not walk away empty-handed. 

The Arizona Saga has ended. My eyes turn again to the sun on the horizon, eager for the next chapter in this adventure.

Even the light of the brightest star fades from sight in the approaching dawn; so, too this must end. Goodbye my friend.

Few things make my little heart flutter more than the prospect of dessert.

Whoa. Over one year later, and realization hits me like a hammer, coming to terms with a truth which I already knew. Why today, why now? Why not the thousand other times I have agonized over every detail, attempting to piece together an explanation?
Your fragile overinflated ego and my very existence were at odds with each other, and when the choice came between keeping one or the other, you chose to preserve your ego instead of challenging some very difficult personal truths. And you checked my blog obsessively afterwards because your insecurity couldn't let you go without seeing what I might be saying about you; because your thin guise of ego must be constantly fed to keep it inflated. That's the difference between real strength and faking it: when something happens which poses a threat to your idea of self, it's seen as a threat which must be neutralized. True strength allows for the possibility of redefining self, because self is hardened, can weather the storms, even paradigm shifts, and still come out intact. You even cried out to me for help, literally, crying on your bedroom floor, saying you wished you had the core strength which the deep, honest places within you are willing to accept that you lack.
Of course, by then you had already made your choice. You made your choice a month before, sobbing in our hotel room, swearing that you'd make up for the things you'd done to me without meaning a word of it. Simply echoing the spoken words of strength which perhaps, at one time, were truly delivered by good men for just, honest reasons, and since repeated by lesser men without any true understanding of their significance, watered down and sodden, until they reached your impressionable ears, and you, eager to project an image of confidence with no true concept of it, eager to appear strong with no intention of following through, you greedily devour these processed, sugar-sweet remnants of greatness, now mere hollow meaningless shells, and you engorge yourself, then promptly vomit them back up indiscriminately to everyone you meet. On first glance you appear to be a fountain of excellence, but once my eyes adjusted in the low bar light and haze of cigarette smoke, it's quite clear that you're just spewing bullshit.
This chapter of my life is over. No, I'm not healed. But I can finally move on and accept the truth. Did it have to take over a year? Probably. I wish it hadn't. I tried to fix myself instead of accepting that someone I cared about would actually do something so horrible to me. The real lesson is learning better how to choose the people to care about.

At night, as I lie in bed waiting for sleep to take me, sometimes I experience an odd sensation. Although it is difficult to call it such, since I don't experience it with any sense.. I can't see or feel it, and it doesn't seem to be associated with anywhere particular in my body.. I just simply sense it, and I form an abstract image in my mind based on what I sense. Sometimes, it's rapidly pulsating, and while I neither see nor hear it, the feeling becomes so bright and so deafening. Sometimes, like tonight, it's closer to something I feel, something raw and visceral, a single uncontrollable feeling or action, like swallowing inadvertently. It repeats for a few minutes then stops. I picture it in my mind, but it's much closer to a physical sensation, even though I can't identify exactly what it might be. These sensations have been happening ever since I was a teenager, maybe before too, and always when I'm lying down to sleep. Someday, when my body dies, if my consciousness does indeed continue, I would like to know what these sensations are..

Dear humanity,

Please stop bringing people into this world until we can take care of the ones who are already in it.

Love,

An educated cynic

It's hard not to get caught up in the Olympic spirit. I found myself getting emotional watching some of the competitions today.. imagining how elated the champions must feel, cringing when someone makes a mistake, shedding a tear when hearing their incredible stories. We build up these people to be heroes, and especially for the US, we have a lot of heroes to be proud of.

One particular story which I heard today struck me. I remember being 10 years old and watching the 1996 Olympics, and, being a favorite of the summer camp counselors, we watched most of the women's gymnastics. I particularly remember the playful floor routine of the youngest member of the team. Searching for her years later, I stumbled across this video...

Meeting amazing people on my plane flights has become something of a habit; I've decided that I need to start documenting my awesome conversations just so I can look back and marvel at them.


My flight home after a month in Seattle left the ground running and never slowed. They always start off the same way, with the usual small talk about my cat or the weather. Then he asked about my profession.. And the conversation took flight. He was the former head of business management at Universal Studios, a staunch republican, and instantly fascinated by me. I always love watching someone's reaction as I shatter their preconceived notions without saying a word. He had already judged me to be intelligent and worth having discussions with; so, when I told him I'm a climate scientist, I watched his mind open up as words of labored skepticism melted into questions from an open mind, ready to learn new things. I was not the only teacher, though; his economic savvy gave me new insight about the innerworkings of the government and the major flaws of the economic stimulus. He told me that I should study law, because I have the mind for it. I told him that I might have the mind, but not the stomach. Overall he was a smart man, and save his unfortunate biases and preconceptions, he had a shrewd business sense but self-proclaimed too-high moral standards to apply it most effectively. I got a strong sense that his words had truth to back them up.


My interesting trip didn't end with the flight, though.. I got a cab ride home from a Somalian who was excited to hear that I'm studying engineering, because he is doing the same. It reminds me how important it is to treat every person with respect and kindness, because the fantastic conversations alone are worth the effort. I shook his hand at the end of the cab ride, and he gave me one of the happiest glowing smiles I've ever seen.

When I close my eyes and escape reality, I see myself running through a forest, standing on a cliff overlooking the world, with the wind in my hair, the feeling of exhilaration pervading every fiber of my being.. and I am at peace.