Even the light of the brightest star fades from sight in the approaching dawn; so, too this must end. Goodbye my friend.

Few things make my little heart flutter more than the prospect of dessert.

Whoa. Over one year later, and realization hits me like a hammer, coming to terms with a truth which I already knew. Why today, why now? Why not the thousand other times I have agonized over every detail, attempting to piece together an explanation?
Your fragile overinflated ego and my very existence were at odds with each other, and when the choice came between keeping one or the other, you chose to preserve your ego instead of challenging some very difficult personal truths. And you checked my blog obsessively afterwards because your insecurity couldn't let you go without seeing what I might be saying about you; because your thin guise of ego must be constantly fed to keep it inflated. That's the difference between real strength and faking it: when something happens which poses a threat to your idea of self, it's seen as a threat which must be neutralized. True strength allows for the possibility of redefining self, because self is hardened, can weather the storms, even paradigm shifts, and still come out intact. You even cried out to me for help, literally, crying on your bedroom floor, saying you wished you had the core strength which the deep, honest places within you are willing to accept that you lack.
Of course, by then you had already made your choice. You made your choice a month before, sobbing in our hotel room, swearing that you'd make up for the things you'd done to me without meaning a word of it. Simply echoing the spoken words of strength which perhaps, at one time, were truly delivered by good men for just, honest reasons, and since repeated by lesser men without any true understanding of their significance, watered down and sodden, until they reached your impressionable ears, and you, eager to project an image of confidence with no true concept of it, eager to appear strong with no intention of following through, you greedily devour these processed, sugar-sweet remnants of greatness, now mere hollow meaningless shells, and you engorge yourself, then promptly vomit them back up indiscriminately to everyone you meet. On first glance you appear to be a fountain of excellence, but once my eyes adjusted in the low bar light and haze of cigarette smoke, it's quite clear that you're just spewing bullshit.
This chapter of my life is over. No, I'm not healed. But I can finally move on and accept the truth. Did it have to take over a year? Probably. I wish it hadn't. I tried to fix myself instead of accepting that someone I cared about would actually do something so horrible to me. The real lesson is learning better how to choose the people to care about.

At night, as I lie in bed waiting for sleep to take me, sometimes I experience an odd sensation. Although it is difficult to call it such, since I don't experience it with any sense.. I can't see or feel it, and it doesn't seem to be associated with anywhere particular in my body.. I just simply sense it, and I form an abstract image in my mind based on what I sense. Sometimes, it's rapidly pulsating, and while I neither see nor hear it, the feeling becomes so bright and so deafening. Sometimes, like tonight, it's closer to something I feel, something raw and visceral, a single uncontrollable feeling or action, like swallowing inadvertently. It repeats for a few minutes then stops. I picture it in my mind, but it's much closer to a physical sensation, even though I can't identify exactly what it might be. These sensations have been happening ever since I was a teenager, maybe before too, and always when I'm lying down to sleep. Someday, when my body dies, if my consciousness does indeed continue, I would like to know what these sensations are..

Dear humanity,

Please stop bringing people into this world until we can take care of the ones who are already in it.

Love,

An educated cynic

It's hard not to get caught up in the Olympic spirit. I found myself getting emotional watching some of the competitions today.. imagining how elated the champions must feel, cringing when someone makes a mistake, shedding a tear when hearing their incredible stories. We build up these people to be heroes, and especially for the US, we have a lot of heroes to be proud of.

One particular story which I heard today struck me. I remember being 10 years old and watching the 1996 Olympics, and, being a favorite of the summer camp counselors, we watched most of the women's gymnastics. I particularly remember the playful floor routine of the youngest member of the team. Searching for her years later, I stumbled across this video...

Meeting amazing people on my plane flights has become something of a habit; I've decided that I need to start documenting my awesome conversations just so I can look back and marvel at them.


My flight home after a month in Seattle left the ground running and never slowed. They always start off the same way, with the usual small talk about my cat or the weather. Then he asked about my profession.. And the conversation took flight. He was the former head of business management at Universal Studios, a staunch republican, and instantly fascinated by me. I always love watching someone's reaction as I shatter their preconceived notions without saying a word. He had already judged me to be intelligent and worth having discussions with; so, when I told him I'm a climate scientist, I watched his mind open up as words of labored skepticism melted into questions from an open mind, ready to learn new things. I was not the only teacher, though; his economic savvy gave me new insight about the innerworkings of the government and the major flaws of the economic stimulus. He told me that I should study law, because I have the mind for it. I told him that I might have the mind, but not the stomach. Overall he was a smart man, and save his unfortunate biases and preconceptions, he had a shrewd business sense but self-proclaimed too-high moral standards to apply it most effectively. I got a strong sense that his words had truth to back them up.


My interesting trip didn't end with the flight, though.. I got a cab ride home from a Somalian who was excited to hear that I'm studying engineering, because he is doing the same. It reminds me how important it is to treat every person with respect and kindness, because the fantastic conversations alone are worth the effort. I shook his hand at the end of the cab ride, and he gave me one of the happiest glowing smiles I've ever seen.

When I close my eyes and escape reality, I see myself running through a forest, standing on a cliff overlooking the world, with the wind in my hair, the feeling of exhilaration pervading every fiber of my being.. and I am at peace.

*How to be a model in two days*

Since my photoshoot turned out well, and the feedback was so positive, I figured that I did something right. I performed all of the following research and practice over the two days before the shoot: here are the guidelines I used to prepare myself. Some of the tips are my own nuggets of wisdom; the rest were found using a little research via Google searches and Youtube.

*Look good for the camera
These tips work well for photographers directing a model, too.
Body: Angle your hips toward the camera (about 45 degrees), rest your weight on your back leg, and exaggerate your shoulders either hunching them toward the camera or rolling them back away.
Hands: Keep your hands soft in most shots. Try to only show the sides of your hands to the camera, and hide your thumb whenever possible. Hands look best when they are each doing something different.
Face: Learn how to use your eyes to convey emotion. Eyes look more engaged when they are open wide. Learn the different variations of smiling and which suits your face best. Practice how to make a smile look real, not just with your mouth, but with your whole face.

A couple guides which helped me a ton:

Great tutorial for creating a basic frame and pose. Includes advice which I haven't found anywhere else, but I see every model using.

http://digital-photography-school.com/21-sample-poses-photographing-female-models
Lots of examples for poses (you can see which ones I copied in my shoot :P)

*Create model makeup
The idea is that you want a natural but flawless look which emphasizes the attractive contours of the face. This photo served as my guide to makeup:

Contour the dark areas with a color that is several shades darker than your skin tone. Highlight the light areas with a color the same as or slightly brighter than your skin tone. Blend the edges well, and voila, perfect makeup artist effect. (guide: http://theuntrendygirl.com/accentuate-the-good-contour-the-rest.html)

Your makeup should be completely matte except for the highlights on the eyes and glossy lips. A nice tip for keeping my face from getting shiny: I blotted my foundation with a tissue after applying it to remove the oil. I also apply my makeup in downward strokes to go with the direction of hair and look more natural. As for the rest of the body, oil makes your skin glow beautifully. I used almond oil on my arms, collarbone, and legs.

*Create model hair

When I thought of model hair, the first picture that came to mind was Victoria's Secret models. One of the most attractive styles for long hair is the light, gently wavy, tousled look, messily parted in the middle and curled away from the face. There are a bunch of ways to get the same look, and I took bits and pieces from lots of different Youtube videos (including backstage at the VS fashion shows). I washed and curled my hair the night before, slept on it (doing so minimizes frizz and makes it look healthier), then ran a curling iron through it the next day using tons of hairspray. I also backcombed the roots to give my hair more body.

*Practice
Watch videos of models in action. They never stop moving. They cycle through different poses, changing their position and expression every time a flash goes off. Find some poses, and practice them in front of a mirror, noticing how your face and body feel in a certain position.

*Be healthy and happy
The blogs and model interviews all tout the same basic principle: take care of your body and mind. Drink tons of water, get plenty of sleep, and avoid salt for at least two days before the shoot for healthy, radiant, and young skin. Just as importantly, prepare mentally: a happy, confident state of mind will shine in the photos.

It's amazing what just a couple days of work and research can become. I need lots more practice before I get good, but I was happy with my first try. Hopefully I'll be doing more shoots, and I can keep adding tips to this list!

What a weekend. Lovely wedding, great people. It was a privilege to be a bridesmaid, and despite our hard work, I had a blast. I socialized nonstop, meshed beautifully with a group of people I'd never met before, got adopted by families, stole the heart of a married man, promptly broke it the next day, rubbed elbows with and fascinated rich and powerful people, and had an overall wonderful time. All in two days.

You were charming, handsome, and totally enchanted by me. Had I let you keep talking to me, had I agreed to your playful requests to stay in touch, you would have kept asking for more. Your offer to give me a ride was pure in its intentions, but without a doubt, you were falling in love with me. Somewhere along the way I learned a valuable lesson. It took a long time, but somehow, I learned how to say no. Such power is contained in the word "goodbye"....

Before the wedding, I had my first manicure and pedicure ever.. And it was a unique experience, truly. Not many people can say that a philosopher gave them a foot massage. Of all of the fantastic exchanges I had during my trip, the deepest, most emotional, most insightful conversation happened at a nail salon. Further proof that real beauty can be found in the most unlikely places. My shy Vietnamese wise man gave me advice on life, love, marriage, and the secret to eternal happiness. He prophesized about who I am deep down, and about what my future holds, all, he said, based on the quality he saw in my eyes. "Hold on a little while longer," he told me. "Something big is coming for you. You're going to be something great." I wonder how many rich, snobby women have paid him to pamper them and make them beautiful, without ever knowing that the most valuable thing of beauty at that salon lay inside the mind of the man cleaning their feet.. because they would never stoop so low as to talk to him. He said that no one before me had ever bothered.