You would stab me in the back just to see what color I bleed.

To those whom I have neglected the past several weeks..
I'm sorry. I still love you. Things just get super crazy for me around this time every year. When finals end, there will be this huge vacuum of time that will follow, and I promise you'll see more of me then.

I have begun to doubt myself lately, and it scares me. I haven't felt like this since high school. I had gotten so used to excelling and being the best that when a dose of humility hit me, it knocked me off my feet. Lately I have felt so inadequate, so average, that I have begun to question my path.

Hopefully when the semester ends, my spirits will perk up a little.

Every time I close my eyes
And relax
The same vision crosses my mind
I'm standing in a field
and the sun is warm on my face
The grass sways in the strong cool breeze
that tosses around my hair
and whispers softly all around me

Despite being insanely busy, I've had lunch with a different friend almost every day for the last week. Good company, good conversations. Some of the more unusual highlights that have stayed with me...

My one friend considers himself to be so conservative, and so incredibly passionate about it, that almost every encounter with him is guaranteed to downgrade into one of his many political rants. My lunch with him yesterday turned into a "socialist" bashing session, in which he tried to explain to me that most politicians and people in this country are active socialists, and it was his duty to save us from ourselves. He went so far as to say that he isn't pursuing a doctorate degree because it forces him to be part of a government-funded socialist institution like our university (but he emphasized that his decision was not based on an ideological opinion). That's when I explained to him that graduate students are not actually government funded, but that my funding comes from research stipends initiated by companies or other educational organizations. OOPS. I didn't have the heart to tease him about the fact that his misinformation and fanatical ideology-based decision making just prevented him from getting into what is possibly the most politically and economically immune institution in our country: higher education. When the Great Depression hit, who had the most secure jobs? University professors.

Another friend took me to a Mormon $1 lunch last week on campus, and, (as probably deviously planned for by the Mormons), our presence in the church spurned some great religious discussions. It amazes me how confused people our age really are about religion and the deeper questions of life. It amazes me even more watching a fellow scientist attempt to reconcile the strong scientific principles and processes to which we have devoted and pledged ourselves, with glaringly contradicting religious concepts such as faith. He asked me, how can you be a scientist and a person of faith at the same time? Seemingly, the two are mutually exclusive. Science trains us to test our world through experiment, to back up hypothesis with fact and observation. Religion tells us to believe blindly in something which can't be proven; in fact, the very process of requiring a validation demonstrates a failure of faith, and thus, a failure as a devout religious follower.

I explained to him the concept of self-actualization; apparently, it was something he'd never heard of.

He even asked me, "is self-actualization the name of your religion?" ^-- (He was sincere!)

I described to him Maslow's hierarchy of needs, in which the term is defined as "the desire for self-fulfillment, namely the tendency for him [the individual] to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming."

I can't blame my friend for his mistake; really, doesn't the process sound like what one is supposed to get out of religion?
The final step in the process, I explained to him, is the idea of transcendence. This concept defines what the true goal of any religion should be.. one that doesn't compromise the scientific method in understanding it.

"You take my free will
and throw it away
And I feel your warmth
As the sparks fly upwards
From the burning of all of your bridges..."

A sunrise. So rare to my eyes. A passing plane, ascending into the bright sky, appears to be ablaze as it is lit from beneath by the rays of new light.

A tiny, warm hand grasps tightly around my thigh as another hand fingers its way slowly, gently through my hair. She laughs as she smells my skin, her tongue tracing the sweat up my neck, moving forcefully, confidently.

The warm, close affection serves only as a painful reminder of how fleeting love truly is.

There are few things in this world that are greater than free ice cream. At Ben&Jerry's this Tuesday.

Adventures in cooking, day 100.

My entire apartment smells like saffron. $20 buys you just four teeny capsules of the stuff, and it comes in little threadlike strands that you infuse in whatever you'll be using to cook (for me, it was a pan of butter).

I ended up using two for my zucchini (<--- needed to google to figure out how to spell) and squash medley. Considering I used $10 worth of spice, the flavor is disappointingly subtle.

Note to self: hot pan + 10 seconds turning around to grab the veggies = burnt saffron...

Hey, at least the veggies are healthy, right? Well, they were.. until the half a stick of butter I fried them in :)

I miss you.